Rules? We got rules now?

Sea change, everyone, the Swindle Bean partnership has promulgated -- great Jumping Frenchmen of Maine -- rules! The first step in the college football blogosphere's Movement to Self-Regulate. So are we in or out?

Proposal No. 1: We will not participate in the Conference Wars. We won't be shy to look closely at schedule strength in talking about our dear sport and the ranking of teams therein, but we solemnly swear to avoid the tired, generic Conference War Chest Thumping.

But . . . but . . . we're in the SEC. The recent exchange between Kyle and Brian on this very matter was superb. As long as calling this Conference Discussion rather than Conference War Chest Thumping is not too fine a distinction, we're in.

Proposal No. 2. We will actively abstain from 1=1 thinking/writing. Wins are good, losses are bad. You're smart enough to figure this out on your own. We're here for the curly fries, please, and not the standard potatoes you can find anywhere else.

If I were a curly fry and I was starving, I would eat myself. Closer question if I was a french fry. Especially Wendy's. So yeah, okay. But 1 still equals 1, and there are some people that still need a periodic reminder.

Proposal No. 3. We will abstain from constructing an All-American team. Until our requests for film of every game played gets approved by every university, we'll politely decline the temptation to construct such a list. Truth is, we don't know. There are better ways to talk about the keepers.

I barely have enough time to keep up with who's on my team, so again, yeah.

Proposal No. 4. We will not break down a Stewart Mandel mailbag. This was a hard one for us, but . . . we're drawing the line in the sand. When we fry fish in 2007, we'll be gunning for dolphins, not minnows, dig? Plus Braves and Birds has already perfected this form, anyway.

We've never done this. K.

Proposal No. 5. When referring to a team's ranking, we will use the BlogPoll. Two years of Beta Testing were enough to let us know that the bloggin' types pay a lot more attention to their ballots than the jaded, overworked sportswriters. Furthermore, as far as we're concerned, the Harris Poll doesn't exist. And let's not even bring up coaches voting on other coaches except in the name of sporting satire.

If it's up to us, Brian's BlogPoll takes its giant leap forward in year three. Join the revolution, compadres.

I actually considered using the BlogPoll for last year's Animated BCS Race. This year, consider it done.

Proposal No. 6. We will mercilessly ridicule BlogPoll voters who fail to live up to the BlogPoll's ever-improving standards. Wack balloteers who fail to justify their opinions will be openly mocked. Or, pending Brian's approval, banished to Oxford to serve a one-year sentence as Ed Orgeron's translator. LEMMETAIFOOTBAWYAW!

In again. I've been on the receiving and prodding end of this, and while it can have a bit of a chilling effect on newcomers, it's also an amusing method to make sure they take it seriously. At least that's what it did for me.

Proposal No. 7. We will tirelessly promote the work of Sunday Morning Quarterback until he is rightly crowned College Football Blog King. No explanation needed here. Right?

Aye. But EDSBS is surely more than just jester, yes?

Proposal No. 8. We will focus on the brutal facts of the matter. None of this nancy pants psycho-babble that's best reserved for Reader's Digest. You didn't lose because of some ghostly otherworldly spectre of "intimidation." You lost because your left tackle is not stronger and faster than the man he is facing. Readers are smart enough to accept this. If something silly like this is invoked, it will be in an admittedly silly fashion.

Aye.

Proposal No. 9. We will kneecap the weak-brained, starting with ourselves. And in the spirit of the rule, we'll admit our errors freely. Even proudly. (Because there will be plenty of them, especially for Orson, the Harry Caray of blogging re: accuracy.)

Done, multiple times already. Will surely do again.

Proposal No. 10. We will focus on what is interesting/fun, not on what is traditionally important/powerful. If Hawaii-Boise State is The game... so be it. There's a zillion games a weekend, not one. Find your bliss somewhere between DirectTV channels 305 and 360, because it's a universal slate now. You truly live in golden times, reader.

Aiiighht.

Proposal No. 11. We will challenge the paradigms which govern mainstream football thought, starting with LD's "GameDay Recap." You're all on notice-especially you, um, ourselves.

Yes. And will remain far from tired, worn out phrases. No mention of the word "swagger." No "they're not rebuilding, they're reloading." None of a host of other such phrases that induce eye-rolling.

Proposal No. 12. We will never let "Did you play football?" end an argument. That. party. is. over. Surgeons don't cut off the wrong leg and then ask you if you went to med school. They write your lawyer a check for 3 million dollars and quietly slink away to practice medicine in Belize.

Um, the insurance companies write the check. The doctor just reimburses them with the following year's premium. And I'll often defer to someone who's actually played the game if it seems to make sense to me, but yeah, okay.

Proposal No. 13. Unless we inexplicably decide to write a post on the NBA, Bill Simmons['] name will never appear on this site. We're as tired of the too-easy Simmons bashing as we are of the Simmons columns themselves. . . .

I do not know Bill Simmons.

Proposal No. 14. We are not serious. If we are, disclaimers will appear. Tuberculosis has the job of being serious. That position is taken and tired.

Aye. Never. But sometimes. Every once in awhile. Except when it comes to Florida, Alabama, and Steve Spurrier, and then always. But sometimes not. Every once in awhile.

Proposal No. 15. We will limit our complete ad hominem hatred of a coach to one man and one man only. Orson drafts Bobby Bowden. Peter selects Bob Stoops. You may grab your own Free Parking pass on one and one coach only.

Okay, Rocky Top Talkers. Here's where I need your help. We must choose one for this year. El Diablo? Whomever's the coach of the Tide, which, for this year, anyway, is Saban, who is only one consonant removed? Meyer? This will be difficult.

Proposal No. 16. We couldn't care less about season-end awards. The Heisman Trophy is dead to us. Unless and until they put Kyle in charge, we're indifferent.

An apathetic aye, here.

Proposal No. 17. We are fans of the game, above all else. This is s'posed to be fun, y'hear? Those who try to ruin our sport will be brutalized.

An emphatic aye, here.

So there it is, folks. The Rocky Top Talk designated ad hominem target for 2007 will be decided by vote. So get to it. You need to click on the permalink to see the poll.

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