Spread the Wealth

Bumped from the FanPosts. Power plays for college football? Hey, desperate times . . . .

-- eds.

Yes we can!

The world will little note nor long remember what I say here, but the events of Tuesday, November 4, 2008 will endure forever.  Change has swept the land. I call on President Obama to, in his first act as commander-in-chief, spread the wealth among all colleges granted federal monies.  Specifically, let's level the playing field on the gridiron. No longer will schools like those in the Big XII be allowed to run roughshod over lesser teams, emitting greenhouse gases with their constantly changing scoreboards, while SEC fans are forced to endure 3-2 final scores or 114th ranked scoring offenses. Yes We Can!

Who is served by a Texas Tech scoring 56 points on everyone, when a team like Tennessee can't bust double-digits? No one, that's who. While Tim Tebow is circumcising little Filipino boys, who is keeping Tennessee boys from trying to castrate themselves with a bottle opener after watching Jonathan Crompton overthrow another wide open receiver? No one, that's who.

I propose the System-wide Collegiate Offensive Re-emergence and Excitement (SCORE) Act of 2009:

Every offensively-challenged school will have a direct line to Texas Tech Head Football Coach Mike Leach, heretofore known as The Gaffer. Each team's head coach will use a government-provided iPhone to direct message The Gaffer through Twitter.  140 characters is more than enough to describe any situation, and The Gaffer will respond with a 3 character hash which can be decrypted into 1 run and 2 pass plays. Electronic flash cards on the sidelines will relay this information to the Quarterback. The Play Clock will be connected to these flash cards, and will not start until The Gaffer has rendered his opinion. Concurrently, the defense will be provided a hash based on John Chavis' Prevent Defense which they must immediately implement. As an example, every eligible receiver will have a 2 yard Halo in which they can catch a forward pass before a defensive player may make contact with them.  Violation of this rule will result in the offending player being sent to a penalty box playing Michael Bolton music for 10 minutes.  In the spirit of fairness, no more than 4 players may be in the penalty box concurrently.

It is my belief that implementation of this plan will stimulate every offensively-challenged team while maintaining our core values of fair play and good TV ratings. My work won't be done until all children, black and white, Jew and Gentile, Protestant and Catholic, will be able to answer in the affirmative when asked, "Does your team know how to find the end zone?"