Post-game awards: Tennessee Volunteers v. UCLA Bruins

Best stiff arm. Arian Foster, on some poor unsuspecting defender. Really, there's little more satisfying than a well-executed stiff arm, as it leaves the would-be tackler grasping at air through contorted face on swiveled head.

Best wrinkle. Arian Foster's run out of the G-Gun. So yeah, that's three plays we have out of that set now. See Gerald run. See Gerald pass. See Gerald hand off to Arian for a nice 41-yard gain.

Worst Sequel. Arian Foster Fumbles the Game Away in the Red Zone, Part II. Or is it three? Four? Oy. Unlike most horror movie sequels, this one got old immediately. Like, the first time.

Best hit. Who else? Eric Berry absolutely leveled some poor soul in Baby Blue. In my over-excitement at the carnage, my dear old dad observed that, yeah, but the guy caught the ball. To which I counter-observed that, yeah, but he won't catch the next one.

Worst nickname. Clawfense. Uh-huh. Shelving and hoping it will keep.

Best unit. The Tennessee defense, who wreaked havoc for a time, picking passes out of the air like they were, oh, I don't know, bubbles or something, and who actually scored a safety that wasn't called.

Worst consistency. The same defense. Or was it a different defense? Either way, where'd you go, guys? Two halves, next time, mmkay?

Worst attendance, I. Brent Vinson and Donald Langley. We could have used those guys, especially Vinson, I think.

Worst attendance, II. UCLA. That was a big game, folks. Not only was it not a sell-out, it was nowhere in the vicinity of a sell-out. Go see your team, people. They're good. At least I hope they're good because if they're not, well, watch for Worst Attendance, III in a month or so.

Best comedy. Some players were wearing the wrong wristbands? Huh? What's the story there? Clawson up in the box reading off one script, Jim Bob Cooter relaying the plays off another, and poor Jonathan Crompton executing off another?

Clawson: Run to the right, on three!

Cooter: Got it. Pass to the left, on one!

Crompton: Got it. Sack, on two!

Best comedy, II. Arian Foster tackling his own quarterback. What wristband was he wearing?

Best defensive play. Going with Nevin McKenzie's pick six here. Man, that was nice to see. More, pretty please.

Biggest mystery. Dennis Rogan has some "undisclosed injury." "Undisclosed" generally means "bad." Hope I'm wrong.

Best MSM post-game line. GVX's Dave Hooker, who said that "Tennessee's defense was at work on Labor Day, but it clocked out early." Mmm-mmm.

Worst forecast. Cloudy. Chance of thunderstorms. And hurricanes, gnats, frogs, and locusts.

What else you got?

 

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