Alabama attorneys petition court to attend national championship

So what do you do if you're an Alabama fan who's a defense attorney with a trial scheduled to begin the first week of January, just when your beloved Crimson Tide are scheduled to play the Texas Longhorns for the National Championship? You pick up the phone and call your colleague to offer to draft up an agreed order to reschedule the trial, right?

So what do you do if you're an Auburn fan who's a plaintiff's attorney and you get such a request? You say no, of course.

You can guess what happens next. The Alabama defense attorney goes to the court and yells, "ROLL TIDE!"

[Note by Joel, 12/17/09 6:27 AM EST ] I've removed the embed of the motion based on reports it was causing some crashes, but you can read the whole thing by clicking this link:

Motion to attend national championship game

Let's take a line-by-line look at this beauty:

MOTION TO CONTINUE

Stop right there for a second. Since when do Alabama fans ask for permission to continue anything? They continue to count, sua sponte, dubious national championships, and they continue to tattoo their meaty backs with images of Bear Bryant. In fact, if I had only one wish for Alabama fans, it would be that they do not under any circumstances "continue" anything, thank you very much.

1. This case was set for trial several months ago before certain monumental events occurred that were beyond the anticipation of the attorneys and the clients.

Way to ramp up the rhetoric right out of the gate, Counselor Terry. You are advised to save the podium-pounding for the jury, sir. Terrence Cody may be monument-sized, but that's as much as I'll give you.

2. Since the setting of this case, one of the two great college football teams in this State has reached levels on a national scale that have not been enjoyed by any team in this State in 17 years next preceding the date hereof.

Wise move, here, Mr. Terry. You can't be certain whether the judge, his clerk, his secretary, or his bailiff might be an Auburn fan, and any of them can hurt you.

3. Currently, one of the two great teams in this State are playing for a national championship and has enjoyed an undefeated season and clinched the SEC Title Game.

Add "clinching a game" to Alabama's record of achievements. And "grammar" to the record of wrongs. What? It's already there? Okay, then. Proceed.

4. Most of the attorneys representing all of the named Defendants have tickets and reservations to be in Pasadena on the 6th day of January, 2010, which date would conflict with the trial date as travel times and schedules for the game overlap the trial as currently set.

And?

5. In fact, the Honorable Jim Lloyd has children that live in the area and is scheduled to be with them in California to celebrate the game and the Tide's success.

. . . And? . . .

6. Attempts to resolve this conflict directly with the Plaintiffs has been unfruitful as the reply has been that they are for the other great team in this State who did not make the playoffs. Unfortunately, that response remains short-sighted as they may one day find themselves in the same position that the Defendant attorneys are in and, unfortunately, the BSC Title Game is no longer scheduled on January 1st, but has been moved to January 7th.

Judge: The stenographer shall please bold that grammar entry in the record of wrongs. Playoffs? BSC Title Game? Really? And you call yourselves fans. You're nothing but richy rich band-wagoners, you. And that last sentence about the dates? I have no idea, either. Morons. Richy rich band-wagoning morons.

7. In checking with your Honor's Office, it was determined that there are potential quick dates available during March, the only known conflict being that Jim Lloyd has recently been elected President of the Birmingham Bar and must attend a conference on March 10-12. Other than that, the Defendants can be ready to be first out during any available week for trial during the month of February, March, or April and believe that there would be no harm, considering the magnitude of this event and its impact on this State, and the fact such an event only comes infrequently during a person's lifetime and is an achievement of such a magnitude that all involved in this litigation should want everyone to fully participate in this achievement.

It's a monumental magnitude of a magnitude, I'm telling you! And Jim has a conference for two days in March because he's the big woopteedo in Birmingham, but other than that he's completely and utterly free from February through April. Beck and call, 24-7, Your Honor. Just not January 7, because this magnitudinal monument comes only once in a person's lifetime, unlike litigation, which, you know, normal everyday people go through all the time. Um . . . THE ORDER OF MAGNITUDE!

8. It is also understood that many of the witness involved are trying to acquire tickets to the game and/or scheduled to be at the game in Pasadena on January 7th and certainly any juror selected to participate will likely be preoccupied and not able to devote their full attention to the case before them during the week of January 4, 2010, and therefore, the parties would be prejudiced by the distraction caused by such a major event of such significant importance to so many people in this State.

STENOGRAPHER! Make that grammar entry bold, underlined, italicized, and ALL CAPS. No wonder he can't get the plaintiff to agree to a continuance -- he can't even get his verbs to agree with his subjects. And really, does he think that jurors aren't already Slingboxing their way through multi-day trials already? Will they be so swooned for an entire week by the prospect of watching their football team play for it all for three and a half hours that they can't concentrate on disseminating justice? Okay, never mind. That was actually a good point.

9. ROLL TIDE!! ( although my secretary is for the other great team of this State, she feels that I need to attend this championship game!); and may the Longhorns be defeated.

Points for bravado here. Although to be consistent, it really should have been "ROLLS TIDE!!"