New Tennessee head coach Lane Kiffin is wasting no time irritating his rivals. He poached a coach from Nick Saban, was accused of cheating by Steve Spurrier, and most recently took recruits from Florida and called Urban Meyer a cheater.
About that last item: turns out Meyer's call to a prospect while he was on an official visit to Tennessee didn't violate any rules, according to the NCAA and the SEC. I present five theories for why Lane Kiffin decided to level a somewhat serious accusation on such flimsy evidence:
- The 'bless his heart' theory. This theory takes everyone's word at face value. Kiffin is a brash, rank amateur who thoughtlessly shoots off slanderous accusations with little evidence to back them up in a display of bravado. Florida Athletic Director Jeremy Foley's crocodile tears are actually not crocodile tears at all, but genuine tears of unfathomable sadness.
- The prison rules theory. The movies tell me on your first day in prison, you're supposed to kick someone's [Fulmerized] or becomes someone's [Fulmerized]. Coach Kiffin has chosen to shiv the biggest, baddest dude on cell block D. Only, instead of grabbing his shiv, he accidentally grabbed a plastic straw he stole from the cafeteria. Oops.
- The any press is good press theory. Tennessee is in the news this offseason, and it's not even for weed arrests or beating up students on the basketball courts!
- The end zone stomp theory. Knowingly doing something that isn't kosher by any objective measure to get in the head of your opponent. Urban Meyer does not take too kindly to Urban Meyer being called a cheater, and Urban Meyer's team will not forget this egregious offense against Urban Meyer. Urban Meyer.
- The Rick Neuheisel theory. This is sort of an amalgam of the bless his heart and prison rules theory, only motivated more by delusions of grandeur than by spite, bravado, or a sense of self-preservation. It's a little brother's desperate attempt to show his big brother that he can't pick on him. It's usually met with a laugh or an unceremonious wedgie. Or both.
Those are my theories. Have you got any others?