Urban Meyer attacks his own, somewhere Lane Kiffin smiles

The grenades Lane Kiffin has tossed in the direction of Gainesville continue to work their magic by getting Urban Meyer totally wicked grumpy. All of those constant reminders of Kiffin in the locker room and walking around on the backs of fans on campus must have infected Meyer like the swine-bird flu (by the way, does this mean that pigs are in fact flying now? . . . aaaaanyway . . . ), causing him to turn on his own:

There’s going to be a time when you don’t win every game you play. There’s going to be a time when someone makes a mistake. If you’re a person who’s going to criticize, we don’t need you around.

Yeah! Forget the fact that I myself called the team bad in 2007. Your job is to love, praise, honor the Great Gators.

I’m also going to talk about loyalty with our former athletes. Some are welcome, some aren’t. …We want former Gators to come back, but loyalty’s a two-way street. If you want to be critical of a player on our team or a coach on our team you can buy a ticket for seat 37F, you’re not welcome back in the football office.

Whoa. Alumni are now at risk of benching for not toeing the line. I'm guessing that the calculating Meyer actually got out a map to determine the absolute worst seat in the Swamp, went and sat in it himself to confirm his determination despite knowing that it was right all along, and only then used it to threaten Emmitt Smith, Danny Wuerffel, and the rest of those no-good alumni. Forget naming the streets in Gainesville after former star players. Meyer is lobbying the City Council as we speak to rename all streets on campus something like honor, discipline, and courage. The Stadium will be at the corner of Cantankerous and YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

You’re either a Gator or you’re not a Gator. It’s real simple. For those who are not Gators keep buying tickets, critique, but if you’re a real Gator, get to know our players.

Hmm. If you're not a fan, buy a ticket. Uh-huh.

Let’s enjoy the greatest era not just football of Gator athletics.

Use a comma when you speak, Meyer. And maybe it is the greatest eranotjustfootball of Gator athletics, but wow. Pretty proud of yourself. Really, it should be the fans saying stuff like this, but I'm confused as to whether they'd have to buy a ticket and sit in seat 37F for the privilege of doing so. Oh, right. That's for the non-fan fans.

Meyer then went on to attackattackattack rural fan clubs all across the state:

We’re evaluating Gator clubs, everybody wants to evaluate me. I’m going to evaluate you. We’ve cut our Gator clubs down because it’s very important I’m a father. We want to go to the best.

 

For example, I’ve been to some horrible Gator clubs with a couple hundred people. They hand me a mic like I’m Johnny Carson. We’re not going to do that. This is the way it’s supposed to look. We’re not going to places that aren’t very good anymore.

First, Johnny's like two-hosts gone by now, isn't he? And I'd bet that he's even more financially set than Meyer. And he never carried a mike, it was one of those giganto, diamond-shaped industrial thingies, wasn't it? But still, Meyer doesn't want to fuss with just a couple of hundred people, especially if they can't afford a lavalier? Yikes. What if he must simply speak louder in a small room?

Somebody's feeling crusty this morning!