Why Tennessee will beat Florida

Bumped from the FanPosts with a giant winkie-emoticon. Props to Incipient_Senescence and to Will's interpretation.

I can prove, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that Tennessee will beat Florida this weekend. Don't believe me? Watch.

First, we must take as given that God exists. Everyone must grant this premise, unless, in the words of Descartes, "he is willing to openly admit that he is an atheist and indeed totally lacking in intellect."

Now, by "God," we mean a supreme being that is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-good.

Because God is all-knowing, he must have known the best possible world(/reality) to create.

Because God is all-good, he must have wanted to create the best of all possible worlds.

Because God is all-powerful, he had the ability to create the best of all possible worlds.

Putting these together, we see that God had the requisite knowledge, desire, and power, and in fact must have created the best of all possible worlds.

Because this is the world that God created, we know that we live in the best of all possible worlds.

Now most Tennessee fans will concede the argument right now. Since we have proved that we live in the best of all possible worlds, it directly follows that Tennessee will win. But opponents may be skeptical, noting that this being the best of all possible has not stopped Tennessee from losing 8 of their last 14 games, including one to Florida.

Clearly, the response to this objection is that God, in His infinite wisdom, did not want the great Tennessee Volunteers or their fans to become too conceited by winning all the time. This would bring on bandwagon fans (see: Florida, USC) and pride, one of the seven deadly sins. Furthermore, if Tennessee always won, those victories would be much less sweet. Consider: how exciting would the 2001 victory in Gainsville have been if Tennessee had won every game for the past three years and was a double-digit favorite? It is clear that it would be much less exciting.

So how do we know that this will not also be a situation in which God, in His wisdom, humbles the mighty Vols? Three observations serve to answer this question:

1. God clearly hates the gloating of Gators fans, and even when giving them National Championships, has shown them humbling losses along the way (Florida State in '96, Auburn in '06, Ole Miss in '08, Tennessee in both basketball runs).

2. As noted in the above basketball references, Tennessee has often been used as the vehicle for humbling the Gators.

3. Even when God, in His perfect wisdom, deems necessary to give Tennessee poor seasons, He always gives the Volunteers at least one moment of excitement (the LSU victory in 2005, the Kiffin hiring in 2008).

Putting these three together, we see that Florida must be humbled (likely by Tennessee) and that Tennessee must have a moment of excitement. Because Tennessee will not be hiring a new coach, its moment must come from a victory over a top 10 team. This leaves Florida or Alabama. But because Florida's humility is also a requirement, it is clear that in this, the best of all possible worlds, Tennessee's moment will come as an upset victory in the Swamp this Saturday.


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