Head Coach Derek Dooley and Offensive Coordinator Jim Chaney met up in the film room on Sunday afternoon following Tennessee's 20-12 loss to the Georgia Bulldogs. Luckily for us, the cameras were rolling.
Dooley: So, about last night.
Chaney: Yeah, last night.
Chaney: I mean, could we have possibly planned it any better?
Dooley: I'm gonna have to answer that one in the negative, good sir. The master plan is being executed even better than I ever imagined it could have been. The fans are up in arms. Seriously, did you see that guy Clay Travis in the post-game press conference? Guy was hysteric.* I'm sure he'll be all manic'd up this week and he'll find a way to channel it into like three articles where he includes "legal analysis" that is about as sound as a diatribe on bird law by Charlie from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia**.
Chaney: So you think he'll only write three articles this week?
[Simultaneous knee-slapping hilarity ensues. This one is a good strong laugh, going for roughly half a minute]
Dooley: I guess his readers weren't going to remind themselves he went to law school. Hey, whatever works.
Chaney: Speaking of whatever works, this setup is just too perfect. All this time we've been masquerading as a passing team. Nobody has any clue that we can run the ball and in fact I'm sure that they've assumed that we'll probably stop trying.
Dooley: And so now we unleash the beast?
Chaney: Time to take the leash off the beast, Coach. Instruct the linemen to stop playing at 30%, as they've been instructed heretofore. Ratchet that all the way up 100% full-on run blocking. Remove the ankle weights from Tauren and Marlin. Time to let the boys run unimpeded.
Dooley: Based on what you've seen in practice, this is probably the best rushing attack since....?
Chaney: The '95 Nebraska Cornhuskers team. Except that ours will likely be a touch better seeing how our opponents are surely unaware that they are about to be hit in the chest by the unstoppable juggernaut that is our fully unveiled rushing attack.
Dooley: Is there a word that means roughly the same thing as juggernaut, but that's even stronger and more unstoppable?
Chaney: This is a question I've asked for years. And while the answer is presently "No", there is certainly a possibility -- and I'd say that possibility is somewhere between strong and quite strong -- that such a word will be coined after the masses see the blitzkrieg running game that we're about to take public.
Dooley: Let's run through this again. This week The Fighting Shooter McGavin's roll into town only to be met with a merciless barrage of powers, sweeps, reverses, tosses, boots, end-arounds, draws, traps, counters, and probably a couple others that I'm leaving out.
Chaney: Exactly. But people are still likely to be oblivious to the merciless ferocity of our ground game even after the inevitable annihilation of the Bayou squad. They'll just chalk it up to the fact that their head football coach is borderline fully retarded.
Dooley: Borderline fully retarded? What does that even mean, Jim? A man has either gone full retard or he hasn't gone full retard. It's a binary thing.
Chaney: And I'm acknowledging as much by saying "borderline". In other words, maybe he hasn't yet set up shop at Full Retard Drive Suite 101, but he's walking up the front steps.
Dooley: Fair enough. And so after that, we get to toy around with Nick Saban's defense....
Chaney: ...like we got it on a string. Our mixture of (a) boundless unfettered brute power; (b) misdirection marinated with more misdirection; and (3) a dash or three of tricky trickeration will have Saban dangling helplessly from said string. His 5-3 frame will -- metaphorically speaking -- be writhing seemingly uncontrollably from the frustration of being dangled to and fro, and also, of course, from years of inadequacy-fueled pent-up agression. I'm actually getting a nice little visual right now. He'll be our little string boy. In fact, from now on let's just refer to him as "string boy". That has a nice ring to it.
Dooley: String boy it is. Just make sure not to use that name during a press conference or anything. We've gotta make sure to stick to our public persona gameplan. Aw-shucksy but with a dash of quirk. This is our public relations M.O....but you know this; we've been over that before. Anyway, where were we? Yes, so after we take out string boy we've got Steve Spurrier coming into town and I imagine he'll be bringing that whiny, high-pitched voice with him.
Chaney: But unfortunately his boozehound QB won't be able to make the trip.
[Simultaneous hilarity ensues.]
Dooley: So when the Gamecocks roll into town word of our steamroller rushing scheme will have begun to spread. But this won't matter because these guys wouldn't be able to stop us even if they put 11 guys in the box.
Chaney: Or 13 for that matter.
Dooley: Not funny, dude. Not cool.
Chaney: Sorry. Too soon.
Dooley: Plus, this game will give us a chance to reel in the beast and revert back to our decoy passing game. What I'm saying is that it isn't going to take many points to beat these guys without their boozehound QB. Come on, Connor Shaw? His offer list was shorter than that thing that string boy's wife has to deal with on a nightly basis.
Chaney: You mean string boy's temper?
Dooley: Yeah, string boy has a very short temper. What'd you think I was talking about?
Chaney: No I gotcha. We're good.
Dooley: What I was saying is that when we play against Connor Shaw and friends, this will give us a nice opportunity to, on offense, just show them enough to win. We'll do a rinse, lather, repeat the following week against that JV high school team from Murfreesboro, and, as a result, we'll be quite the enigma by the time we get ready to head over to Fayetteville to play against that shady snake-in-the-grass, Bobby Petrino.
Chaney: Oh my. Whatever will we do. As an offensive coordinator I just don't feel like there is any sort of gameplan that can be concocted that will allow us to pierce the impenetrable veil that is the Arkansas Razorbacks run defense.
Dooley: I'm picking up a little sarcasm.
Chaney: Well that's because I'm laying it on preeeetttttty thick.
[Simultaneous hilarity ensues.]
Dooley: And then after that. Well shoot. After that we've got the usual November slate of freebies. Vanderbilt couldn't score to save themselves, and Kentucky is ... well ... I'm not sure that they've even invented the words necessary to appropriately articulate how horrendous that team is at the game of football. Extra dashes of trickeration not required.
Chaney: Plus we should have Tyler back for Kentucky. I only bring this up because I think it would be fun if we had him throw left-handed the entire game. To be clear, I'm saying we should have him throw left-handed even if his thumb is fully healed.
[Simultaneous hilarity ensues.]
Dooley: Brilliant! What do you think the spread will be? Kentucky at home versus Tennessee with a left-handed Tyler Bray?
Chaney: Oh, I don't know. 16.5?
Dooley: Maybe for the first half. Bwahahaha.
[Simultaneous knee-slapping hilarity ensues. This one is a good strong laugh, again, going for roughly half a minute]
[END OF FILM]
Have a great weekend, Vol fans!
(***) This entire dialogue is fake dialogue and the intent behind it was simply to make you laugh a little bit before the beatings begin. After all, life is too important to be taken too too seriously, yes? I suspect -- and sincerely hope -- that this footnote is entirely superfluous.