RTT is pleased to present you with another Rocky Top Talk "exclusive." Sources deep within SEC offices have uncovered a super secret letter that commissioner Mike Slive sent to the Texas A&M Board of Regents in advance of their meeting to potentially discuss SEC membership. Please contact RockyTopTalk.com for any reprinting needs, and please reach out to Dave Clawson if you need to find someone who can revive a moribund offense. Not that this is related to the contents of the letter, but it bears saying, Mr. Richt.
Texas A&M Board of Regents
College Station, TX 77843
Attn. Texas A&M University Board Of Regents,
As the commissioner of the Southeastern Conference, I'm quite pleased to hear of your interest in my conference. (Wes -- add some stuff in here about how awesome we are. You might throw in something nice about them, too.)
Recent events that have occurred both here in our offices and that I have been made aware of through contact with various media sources have linked your fine institution with our esteemed conference. It is these connections that I wish to address in this letter. As commissioner of the SEC, it is my responsibility to ensure that we pursue actions that enhance both the short-term and long-term health of the conference, including athletics. It is indeed true that expansion beyond our twelve esteemed members has been discussed, and we have extended a conference invite.
However, this is when I get a little embarrassed. You see, we meant to send our conference invitation to Texas, not you.
Mistakes happen all the time. You know this as well as anyone; my colleagues from Alabama inform me that at one point you employed Mr. Dennis Franchione, so clearly you're aware of the danger that big mistakes can wreak on your institution for years. I blame an intern we employed here for the mix-up; somehow Les Miles convinced us to take on Jarrett Lee's third cousin as our key correspondence intern. I'm not sure how he confused College Station with Austin, but hey, mistakes happen all the time. (My suspicion? Colorblindness runs in the family.) If it makes you feel any better, he's been sacked. By Nick Fairley (get it? I crack myself up).
It's not that we wouldn't want you as a member of the SEC at some point, but right now the qualities you bring to the table are the same qualities we have now. Kyle Field is one of the biggest stadiums in the country, but it's no better than average among SEC schools (and really, that's even counting Vanderbilt; I keep on forgetting they have a football program, but let's keep that between ourselves). You have many fine traditions, not the least of which are the Midnight Yell. However, I've been informed in no uncertain terms by University of Mississippi staff that you would need to change the name to the Black Bear Yell, and, well, I'd rather not subject you to that, and quite frankly I have no clue what Houston Nutt's talking about most of the time. Probably better to just give him what he wants and hope he goes away - it sure worked for Arkansas right? (Plus, LSU fans are just going to want to roast random things on your bonfires - crocodiles, cattle, cake, crayfish, car tires, , pretty much anything they can get their hands on.)
We do appreciate that your membership would help to open up Texas to our brand; that is, we would appreciate it if Texas didn't have a much better inroads. Oh, and our national television deals with ESPN and CBS help a bit with that, too. I negotiated them myself. Aren't you proud of me? And if you're not, that's okay; we recruit Florida for football anyway. There's a pretty good team down that way; you might've heard of them. The guys who stole Texas' coach in waiting? The flaky head coach who just wins who retired? Their impression of a scuba instruction camp on offense last year? I apologize, I'm getting off the point of this letter. I am prone to ramble, oh am I! And anytime I feel bad about rambling, I just look at all our BCS trophies. Did you know we've won five BCS championships in a row?
Also, and I don't really know how to say this nicely, but South Carolina's already laid claim to our little brother title, so that position's filled too. And yes, we know it would be awkward to potentially have two UTs in the same conference (with the same color scheme, no less), but I think we'd manage. Heck, we manage having two different bulldogs in our conference; I think two UTs would be manageable. The Eyes of Texas! I just get giddy thinking about it. Plus, if we get Texas that means we'd have six BCS championships in a row, and really, I bet we could grease some palms and get the NCAA to award 2004's BCS championship to Auburn. That's eight in a row! No offense, but that's kind of cool. It's kind of like Texas beating you 10 years running from 1957 to 1966, only if it was 8 years instead of 10.
I guess what I'm saying is this: while you are a fine potential member institution, at this point in time we're not sure at SEC headquarters (five BCS championships in a row! Roll Tide!) what potential new opportunities you provide for our fine conference. I trust you will view this judgment professionally, and not hold a grudge against us for generations. That would just be silly. That's why you have Texas.
Anyway, I apologize profusely for the confusion. I hope this doesn't affect your meeting today. Please contact me through my correspondence officer, William Wesley, with any questions.
Michael "Mike" "The Doctor" "Hotness" Slive
P.S.: I have no clue what we'd do with thirteen member institutions anyway. Know any other major independents (current or future) with national TV deals for football we can talk to? Call me! (Well, call Wes.)