The Craig James Annual Award for Sports Analysis Excellence - Week 2
by _trey_ on Sep 13, 2011 1:00 PM EDT
in Tennessee Volunteer Football
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The Craig James Memorial Trophy will annually recognize the outstanding college football analyst whose performance best exhibits a relentless pursuit of analyzing stuff you know nothing about, a tireless willingness to troll for clicks, and a selfless effort to meet a word count, regardless of the cost to the English language.
Last week's runaway nominee was the ever-sultry Chris Low of ESPN, despite a late surge from Paul Myerberg of Pre-Snap Read (and also apparently some newspaper in NEW YORK CITY.) We've got a full ledger this week, with nightmarish flashbacks to a time of unspeakable evil, Kierkegaardian nothingness, and a nomination that includes... wait for it...
CRAIG JAMES
This week's nominees and the poll, after the jump.
Ken Starr
-'Writing from a glass skyskraper on a barren desert moon made only of rocks' category-
From this week's Houston Chronicle:
According to our friends in the sports media, the football programs of our beloved Texas institutions are about to become exported commodities, competing in different national athletic conferences. If this proves to be true, we will be tearing something very special from the celebrated fabric of our Texas history...We should not reject more than 100 years of tradition handed down through the generations without a well-informed, transparent discussion that objectively evaluates all of the costs and consequences thoroughly.
2011: You intrigue us, Mr. Starr, with your sensible discussion and unbiased reasoning! What is Texas A&M thinking? What kind of crazed university would be so callous as to throw a hundred years of football tradition to the wind in a mad scamper after mad, mad fat stacks of delicious cash? It's unheard of? Seriously, I could never, ever imagine this happening before. It's certainly nice to know we have a concerned citizen like yourself with no ulterior motive whatsoever to bring up such a salient point. No, really, it's just so helpful! Now, what was it that you said you did again?
1995: OHHH HAI 2011! I NEVER DIED I LIVE FOREVER JUST THOUGHT I'D STOP IN AND MESS WITH YOUS LULZ MACARARENAMACARENAOOOOMACARENA
COME PLAY MIDMAJOR WITH US, BAAAAAYLOR
FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER [fade to this]
Mike Patrick & Craig James
-Masters Thesis Category-
Now I'm aware there's a certain type of flinty, devil-may-care Vol fan who began the celebratory drinking at the end of the thinrd quarter, and may have missed the following. To the rest of us, who sat suppressing a growing eye tic while waiting for the last 3 touchdowns to be reviewed and summarily overturned until 15 minutes past the end of the broadcast, please keep scrolling.
Yeeeaaaah..... see....
If you're keeping track at home, that's 67 years of sports broadcasting between these two, yall.
Brett McMurphy
-'Subjectivity is I is truth is subjectivity is....uh...me' category-
Bowl system will be "chaos" if Big 12 implodes
"If the Big 12 isn't around next year, I can sum up the bowl system in one word: chaos," the Hamburgler told CBSSports.com.
[...]
"We’re in close contact with our partners and are monitoring developments," the Hamburgler said Wednesday. "We are not going to speculate on rumors related to the Big 12 Conference or anyone else for that matter."
BCS executive director Bill Hancock also said Wednesday he does not discuss hypothetical situations.
[...]
"What do you think will happen when [SEC commissioner] Mike Slive’s third-place team doesn’t have a quality opponent," the Hamburgler said. [...] "You’d be starting over," the Hamburgler said. "It involves everyone. What are we going to do? Have a draft of teams? ESPN doesn’t want to broadcast Michigan vs. Fresno State, it wants to televise Michigan against a comparable BCS program." "If the Big 12 doesn't survive," said the Hamburgler, "the bowl system will be a gigantic mess."
*Now, maaaaaybe I replaced every usage of the phrase "a source" in this article with the "Hamburgler." And maaaaybe it's EXACTLY AS FRIGGIN NEWSWORTHY THAT WAY. #corroboration:isn'tthatthatthingthefrenchdid?
As always, write in candidates are encouraged. Comments section: go.
See something that should be on next week's list? Send it on over, yall.
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FANTASTIC SERIES TREY
I love what you’re doing here and I eagerly anticipate a disseration on the merits of Huey Lewis & The News’s album “Fore” in the next caption.
And yes, I was screaming at my TV when they started talking about how to pronounce Neyland and how some member of the family should say something.
Also, the SWAC stuff is hilarity, but I couldn’t help but thinking of Mexico when reading the diatribe about “Texas history”………
reccityrecrecrecrec’d.
"I condone fun things" ~~ Cortland Finnegan
Hello ladies. Look at your man, now back to me, now back at your man, now back to me. Sadly, he isn't me.
I'm for Huey Lewis & The News in any context
with or without the Christian Bale overtones
by Will Shelton on Sep 13, 2011 1:33 PM EDT up reply actions
Totes re:Baylor's kinda bizarre interpretation of history
I was a hair’s breadth away from photoshopping the Baylor Bear into this:
(Nerd Alert) According to
Last month’s issue of American History magazine, Davy was not swinging his rifle at Mexicans when he was killed. Most likely executed.
Just had to get that out there.
Also…great freaking series Mr. Trey.
by GhostDance on Sep 13, 2011 6:57 PM EDT via mobile up reply actions
That's interesting- I've heard that before.
Sounds pretty plausible, based on what I’ve read about the aftermath. Did somebody dig up some new evidence to support it?
Article used memoirs of survivors and accounts from Mexican soldiers. Didn’t really nail anything down though, just a good ol’ guess.
(Nerd Alert, times like a billion) Incidentally, you ever read old American Heritages?
It totally jumped the shark and went all Popular Science-stylee about 20 years ago, but the old hardcover ones were brilliant.
Oh
and my second favorite/forehead-slapping-moment of the Craig James commentary was the little discussion they had about the College of the Canyons in the first quarter. Took me an entire six-pack to recover the intelligence I lost listening to that tidbit.
"I condone fun things" ~~ Cortland Finnegan
Hello ladies. Look at your man, now back to me, now back at your man, now back to me. Sadly, he isn't me.
Not surprised about Patrick's and James' ignorance
Their brand of stupidity is on public display on a weekly basis. But I’m pretty disappointed that Patrick claims he asked someone [presumably at UT] and was met with “we don’t know.”
When he said that “one of the announcers” told him “we’re at KNEE-land Stadium on NAY-land Avenue” I figured it had to be Kesling. Everyone else knows it’s Neyland Drive.
Lou Brock loves Lamp.
Mike Keith tells a great story about mispronouncing it NAY-land in one of his early Vol Network spots
and John Ward immediately coming over the headset during a commercial and saying, “Tell Mike, it’s KNEE-land. You know, like your knee.”
Everyone I knew pronounced it "NAY-land" when I was growing up
I think it was the 1995 Georgia game broadcast (Jeff Hall FTW) when I heard them say – on ESPN, no less – that they had talked to Neyland’s family and it was actually “KNEE-land”.
“I’ll be damned,” I said to myself, and I’ve pronounced it that way ever since. (I’m not relying solely on ESPN’s word in 1995, by the way. I have since heard these other stories including the John Ward ones. And Bob Gilbert’s book – an excellent read if you haven’t had the chance http://www.amazon.com/Neyland-Gridiron-General-Robert-Gilbert/dp/0932958109 – also addresses the correct pronunciation.)
Lou Brock loves Lamp.
Wow
Charles Brakebill is my grandfather and he’s told me the KNEE-land story at least 10 times. If these guys actually asked anyone, surely they would have had the sense to ask Gus Manning who would definitely know that.
moron or maroon
UTSports ran a special on Gus Manning in the first Derek Dooley Show. Gus worked for Kneeland and is still around. The whole segment was STOOOOOOPID. Silence would be better then the clap trap that spews from all of those b and c level teams.
"If the Big 12 doesn't survive," said the Hamburgler, "the bowl system will be a gigantic mess."
He added, “All those bowls will be lost… like… tears in rain…”
“Time to die.”
Great idea for a series
You shouldn’t have a hard time finding material!
Official MCM Hater!
"I don't care if they put 11 or 12 guys in the box, we're gonna run the football"--#9
When reached for further comment
the Hamburgler would only add
Robble
by dmiles on Sep 13, 2011 3:26 PM EDT reply actions 3 recs
Maybe the funniest comment I've ever read.
Holdin' it down on enemy grounds.
Anti-Snail on offense; Give me a slobberknocker, or give me death!
by Brad Shepard on Sep 13, 2011 4:47 PM EDT up reply actions
Once I saw the announcing team for our game, I promptly made the decision to watch the game somewhere without sound.
To make up for it, I just loudly sang Rocky Top at the bar for four hours.
Next to Florida fans.
Formerly 'snail. You get used to it after a while.
What would Lane Kiffin do?
(and no, “get up and leave to go hang out with the VT fans at halftime” isn’t an acceptable answer)
Formerly 'snail. You get used to it after a while.
by Chris Pendley on Sep 13, 2011 6:00 PM EDT up reply actions
But yeah, probably.
I bought my vuvuzela last year. (Oddly, that only resulted on me getting hit on. Weird game all around.)
Formerly 'snail. You get used to it after a while.
by Chris Pendley on Sep 13, 2011 6:01 PM EDT up reply actions
Sigh
I remember when it didn’t matter who did the TV call because we were all listening on the radio anyway. I miss those days.
Lou Brock loves Lamp.
It sucks that the radio broadcast is faster than satellite television.
by GhostDance on Sep 13, 2011 7:03 PM EDT via mobile up reply actions
That's not why I don't listen to the radio anymore.
Lou Brock loves Lamp.
by birdjam on Sep 13, 2011 7:46 PM EDT via mobile up reply actions
This is just a gold mind of a series
I would keep an eye out for:
- every Dan Wetzel column. No matter what the topic, or how completely unrelated it may be to this particular point, Dan Wetzel will always ALWAYS find a way to work in a sentence about the system is bad because the NCAA is financially motivated and makes too much money. This is despite the absolute, unequivocal, not arguable, #FACT that the NCAA makes no money off college football whatsoever and that, indeed, the entire current BCS system owes its existence to the desire of university presidents to financially circumvent the NCAA. Every time I read a Wetzel column, my motivation to ever write a book gets further diminished as I realize that many of the people writing books are actually really dumb.
-Gregg Doyell: don’t even bother reading his column. Just post in his ridiculous “tough guy” picture. That in and of itself is worth tons of laughs.
Pat Forde is better at making no points - essentially saying nothing that a competent 6th grader couldn’t say — than making abjectly stupid points, but he will slip them in there from time to time.
-The writers at grantland are really good, but it isn’t clear they know anything about college football.
-Rick Reilly doesn’t write much about college football, but he is maybe the worst writer I have ever read in my entire life. I am certain I wrote better than that guy when I was 4th grade.
-Scoop Jackson is also pretty horrendous…not sure if he is still employed.
-Does Griff write on football? I wrote better than him the day I came to school in 4th grade drunk of my ace. Okay, I never did that, but if I had, I would have still written better prose than Griff.
I’ll keep an eye out. Great stuff.
No homer.
Good stuff. I'll keep on eye on all these guys.
I’d be shocked SHOCKED! if Wetzel and Forde don’t end up as nominees at some point. Same thing with Reilly & pretty much the entire ESPN basketball staff, particularly when they drift off into talking about CFB. Once ESPN starts the basketball content machine, this series is going to be a mail-in.
I’m pretty sure they limit Griff to BB these days, though honestly picking on anybody on the GVX staff feels a little like critiquing a 4th grade Christmas pageant- they’re just awful, bless their hearts.
Agree re:Grantland. They’re up to their eyeballs in writing talent these days, just not in any particular direction. Them recently adding the Solid Verbal guys kinda makes the point- I love those guys, but walking football encyclopedias they ain’t.
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