Sophomore Quarterback Tyler Bray took some time out of his busy schedule yesterday to meet with the press and clarify what appeared to be some ambiguity -- and to quash any potential controversy -- arising from different remarks, made via twitter, on the subject of orange pants.
Bray: Guys, I don't really see why we need to meet at all. My comments were clearly reconciliable and easily understandable. It's like the media up and went full retard. Have y'all not seen Tropic Thunder? You never wanna go full retard! And besides this is valuable time that I could be spending further improving my 40 time. You know it improved from last year, right? Oh...whatever. I'm already here; let's get this over with.
Media: Okay, Tyler can you explain these tweets for us?
Media: It appears that you're badmouthing your head coach's choice of, um, bottomwear.
Bray: You mean pants?
Media: Yes, his choice of pants.
Bray: Well, yeah, one might think that. But only if one had taken my tweets out of context and re-arranged them. Do you even know how twitter works, man? You can't take them out of context, brah. Have you seen the movie Rain Man? I mean, Dustin Hoffman didn't even do anything that dumb, and he was a ruh-tard.
Media: A ruh-tard?
Bray: Yeah he was a ruh-tard!
::tyler gathers himself::
Bray: Look man, I don't mean to give you a hard time, but I need to be working on my 40 yard dash. I need to look athletic out there. I heard Emma Watson likes SEC football. Which changes everything, if you know what I mean. So let me just set the record straight. Coach Dooley did ask me about the orange pants, but that was before the Montana game. And I totally gave him the thumbs-up. Check it...I wasn't dissing the Dooley pants.
Bray: My problem, you see, is with the orange pants that we wear as our road uniforms. I hate them so very very much. I think I might hate those orange pants even more than Eric Cartman hates hippies.
Media: why do you dislike the orange pants on the road uniforms, Tyler?
Bray: Many reasons. But I can only talk about a couple because I need to go work on my 40 time. Okay, for one, I think they make me look less athletic, which undermines all the good work done by my increased 40 time and my snazzy adidas kicks, both of which have made me appear way more athletic this year out there on the field than last year. Two, they just look ridiculous. I mean, why can't we wear the sharp white on whites that they wore back in the day. Those white on whites -- with the black trim around the numbers -- man they looked somewhere between sharp and quite sharp. And you can quote me on that. Check 'em out yourself.
Bray: And on top of the very persuasive aesthetic considerations, there are also practical factors at play. The orange pants may actually be cursed. Justin Hunter's ACL sure thinks so.
Media: Justin's ACL has its own twitter account?
Bray: yeah, but who doesn't. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, and the curse of the orange pants doesn't stop at season-ending injuries. We never even win any games in those horribly tacky pants. Check out the record since 2000. I had the scout team QB figure this out for me, so find him if there is an error, but he's usually pretty good with research. I think the asterisks mean the orange on orange -- which is arguably worse -- and we're not counting the halloween game, because that was clearly different.
2000 Memphis W*
2007 LSU (Sec championship) L*
2008 UCLA: L
2009 Florida L
2009 Auburn L*
2009 Alabama L
2009 Ole Miss L
2010 Georgia L
2010 Memphis W
2010 Vanderbilt W
2011 Florida L
Bray: So, basically, we have every imaginable con for the orange pants, and not a single pro other than maybe appeasing a handful of people in the crowd who have horrible horrible fashion sense. Anyway, guys, I hope that was helpful. I gotta go work on my 40 time. It's constantly improving, you know.
[Tyler reaches down and grabs a yellow starburst that he appears to have stashed in his sock. He proceeds to unwrap and enjoy, and then he proceeds towards the exit]
Bray: And just so we're clear guys. Coach Dooley's orange trousers are cash money. Or are those slacks? Either way, they're the bomb dot com. Keep your tweets in context, fellas. Proper context is nearly as important as me appearing athletic when I skillfully evade the pass rush. Gotta run...