Oh....My.....God..... I figured it out!

Bumped from the diaries. An instant classic from MeytonPanning, right down to the poll at the end with only one choice. -- ed.

Ladies and Gentlemen of Volunteer Nation.  I come to you today with matters of (Orange) NATIONal Security.  I have discovered something worthy of immediate attention and more importantly immediate ACTION.  I know why our Football team suffers.  I know why we haven't associated the words BCS and Tennessee for the past several years.  I know why we haven't won the SEC since 98.  I KNOW!

Adidas.  (Stop laughing at me---I am being [semi]serious!).  Adidas, Ladies and Gentlemen.  Adidas. Adidas. Adidas.  (See how ridiculous it sounds when you say it, or read it or even write it, for that matter, over and over and over and over.  Over. (STOP)  Adidas.  Absurd.

Adidas has used its Midas Touch (of DOOM) and destroyed any hopes of ten and eleven win seasons.  And there is precedent here folks.  I went to the Adidas website and looked up other teams sponsored by Adidas.  Any of these ring a bell?  (Note that since these were only 10 of 119 D-1A, or whatever we're calling it today, I figured that these 10 teams must have been the teams that are solely sponsored by Adidas [Try saying "Adidas" in a new accent/tone/inflection every time.  Trust me it gets ridiculous quickly.])

1. Arkansas Razorbacks: Perennial underachievers.  Even though NFL teams could probably draft TWO of their backs in the first 10 picks of the 2008 Draft, Nutt has found a way to sink the Titanic so to speak.
2. Indiana Hoosiers: Yes this institution does in fact field a football team.  A few notable claims to fame:  The school where Nick Saban's cousin, Lou Saban (also known as Nick Saban's Cousin), played, and one of the stops on Lee Corso's Coaching train.  Train?  Maybe rail car is more accurate.
3. Kansas Jayhawks:  Okay so they are doing well this year.  HOWEVER.  Forget this year, and look at Kansas' history as a football program.  Doesn't exactly look like Fillet Mignon.  (Mangino doesn't care if it looks like fillet mignon or feed pellets.  He'll eat it and eat it with GUSTO.)
4. Michigan Wolverines:  Usually Perennial Powerhouse.  Almost always considered a front runner for the conference.  Questions abound about team's aging coach.  Rivals having recent success against team.  Disastrous out of conference defeat to start the season.  Oh wait! I'm sorry I'm supposed to be talking about Michigan here.  Wait a minute....so similar...Interesting.....
5.  Nebraska Cornhuskers:  More failure for traditional powerhouses.  You know its bad when they call in for back up and draft a former coaching legend from the AARP.  I know Osborne still has some bite left in him but he looks old! At any rate Callahan is gone soon and Nebraska will get back to its old self some day soon.  Hey Husker fans...it could be worse.  You could be.....
6. NOTRE DAME!!!  Charlie Weis, aka "I MADE Tom Brady," hasn't exactly thrilled Golden Domers this season.  His resume of three Super Bowl wins as a New England OC has translated to zero bowl wins, a horrific season, and the biggest win in Navy's recent memory.  Not exactly Golden Domer-ish type stuff.  But to be fair to Charlie, Notre Dame hasn't won a bowl game in Touchdown-Jesus-knows-how-many years so that standard of excellence has been upheld by Weis.  In fact, Golden Domers, you can sleep at night knowing that this year, there is no way Charlie Weis can lose a bowl game!  Here's wondering if Jimmy Clausen pulls a Mitch Mustain, another Adidas reject, and flees to another school....  
7. Tennessee Volunteers:  See description for  Michigan entry.
8. Texas A&M: TAMU drank the Adidas Kool Aid too.  Except there was no poison in the Kool Aid and the Comet thing was a joke.  [Wow man, we didn't think you'd really drink it....Is everything alright?]  TAMU's future resides in Auburn Coach Tommy Tuberville who immediately plans on recruiting career-saving running backs Mercedes [Insert Last Name Here] and Landrover [Insert Last Name Here].  Also Tuberville will give Adidas the boot [Puns are for everyone!!!].  Soon Under Armour and shrieks of CLICK CLACK overtake College Station.
9. Wisconsin: The Badgers are the red step child of the Big 10.  Always looking up to the Ohio State's, Michigan's, and Penn State's of the world.  Often a sheik darkhorse pick to win the Big 10; usually another 2 or 3 loss Big 10 team.
10.  UCLA: You can't spell Bruin without Ruin. Which is exactly what Adidas does to football teams.  Heck the 2007 Irish beat these guys.

There's my pitch.  We've got to get rid of Adidas.  You can't tell me that Nike or Reebok or Under Armour won't pay the same amount, if not more, to sponsor the Vols.  Isn't Adidas a soccer-fixated company anyways?  Doesn't it make sense for Adidas to ruin some of the greatest Football programs in the country just so soccer will look good?  Come on Phil Knight.....call us.  Let's go Reebok make Mike Hamilton an offer.  I don't care if KSwiss starts making all of our crap.  Just get Adidas OUT OF HERE!!!!

*This post is in jest**.

**You know---a joke***.

***And by Joke I mean halfway serious****.

****GET ADIDAS OUT OF TENNESSEE!!!!

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Should Tennesse Get Rid of Adidas?

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YES! NEW SPONSOR

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