Sports Blog Infomercial, Take One

HOST: Hi! Welcome to "Sports Blogs are Really Neat!" the show that will try really, really hard to persuade you that you can't possibly live without something you've never heard of until today! Today, we're talking with sports blogger IAmNotNine, proprietor of a fantastically amazing and fascinating sports weblog about . . . sports!

IANN: Uh, yeah, hi. (Waves hand dismissively.)

HOST: GREAT! So, IANN, I can see that you're not nine years old!

IANN: Okay.

HOST: FANTASTIC! So how old are you? Wait! I want to guess! Fifteen!

IANN: Harumph.

HOST: No? Higher? Okay, 20!

IANN:  :-/

HOST: No way! 30!?

IANN: I turn 31 today.

HOST: Wow! That's not even close to nine! (Turns to camera.) Can you believe it! He's nowhere near nine years old! (Turns back to IANN.) Okay, but you are a frustrated journalist, right?!

IANN: Uh, no. I'm a lawyer.

HOST: Okay, but you are currently unemployed, right? I mean, you do have too much time on your hands, correct?

IANN: Not really. I bill 2,200 hours a year.

HOST: Are you really telling me that you're not a nine-year old living in his mother's basement?

IANN: My mother lives in my basement.

HOST: OKAY! So, anyway. You're here today to tell us about an amazing new invention, the sports (glances at note card) we-blog, right?!

IANN: Web log, yeah.

HOST: . . .

IANN: Okay, yeah. I, um, write a sports blog--

HOST: ABOUT SPORTS!!

IANN:  . . .

HOST: (grinning and rocking back and forth on her heels)

IANN: . . . um, yeah, about sports.

HOST: . . . OKAY! EXCELLENT!! What amazing things can our viewers do with a sports web-log?

IANN: They can, uh, read . . . about their favorite team on the computer. And other teams. That they hate. And talk about it and stuff.

HOST: Wait! They can read about their favorite team -- ON THE COMPUTER!?

IANN: Yeah.

HOST: You mean, without getting dressed, going to the driveway, getting itty bitty bits of pebbles on their tender little feet looking for the place the new kid discarded the newspaper carelessly in the petunias? And then, going back inside, wiping off your feet, dustbusting the foyer, and sitting down in the recliner, and (wrinkling up face) getting ink on your fingers?

IANN: Yeah. I just sit on the sofa with my laptop.

HOST: HOLD ON! STOP FOR JUST ONE SECOND! You didn't mention getting dressed. You don't mean to tell me you do all of this without getting dressed, do you?!

IANN: Well, actually . . .

HOST: And you write like that?!

IANN: And read. Lots of reading. Yeah.

HOST: STUPENDOUS! So you can read and write newspaper articles without ever even touching a newspaper??!!

IANN: Well, that, too. But I do posts.

HOST: Huh?

IANN: Posts. I do posts. Not newspaper articles.

HOST:  . . .

IANN: . . .

HOST: . . . OKAY!!! You know, IANN, I often have the problem of not being able to find interesting information on my favorite team from the newspapers and (glances at notes) mainstream media outlets. Can sports blogs help me?!

IANN: Yeah. That's what they're for. It's another place to go to get information on your favorite team -- Florida Gators, Tennessee Volunteers, USC Trojans -- whatever, without--

HOST: Wait! Did you just say "Trojans?"

IANN: Yeah.

HOST: THAT'S ABSOLUTELY EXTRAORDINARY!!

IANN: Fantastic. Yeah, so you can get the information without it being sterilized by the man.

HOST: YES! ASTOUNDING!! So I can read new and interesting . . . posts . . . about my favorite team without having it sterilized by the man?

IANN: Yeah. Not sterilized by the man.

HOST: THAT'S MARVELOUS!

IANN: Yeah, it is amazing. Now watch, I'm going to write this post and put it on the web while you set that frog on fire.

HOST: WHOA!! You are CRAZY! You are actually going to write something and put it on the web while I set this frog on fire?!

IANN: Why, yes. Yes, I am.

HOST: HOLY SNIKEYS!! This frog is on fire, and you just wrote something and put it on the internets! Without getting an ugly stain on your fingers!

IANN: Without staining my fingers.

HOST: (touching computer screen) You know, this message I'm seeing on my computer is really not staining my fingers!

IANN: Yes, but that's not all. You can also post pictures, and music, and videos, too.

HOST: (crowd gasps in unison) I can post pictures?! I could never do that before!

IANN: Yeah. Watch. I'll post a picture to my blog while you put that puppy in a blender.

HOST: AMAZING! Now, I'm positive that all of those people out there want one of these. How do we order?

IANN: You don't have to order. It's free.

HOST: (crowd erupts into applause) WOW! You might expect to pay up to seventy-five cents per day for each newspaper you would like to read. Why, that could add up to . . . like three dollars! But you can read this blog, right now, for FREE!!! It is SIMPLY ASTONISHING!! Folks, I'm telling you right now, you will not see an offer like this one again. You can stay inside, in your pajamas, and read the same stuff you read in a thousand newspapers, while you microwave the hamster, all with no stain and no mess! And best of all, it's FREE!!!!!!!!! Now that's INCREDIBLE!

IANN: Okay.

HOST: And that's not all, is it, IANN?

IANN: Are you talking about the links?

HOST: YES! There are links! Tell our viewers about the links!!

IANN: Okay. Links are like words that you can click on, and they take you to other blogs and stuff.

HOST: AMAZING! How many links do they get?

IANN: Oh, it depends. Maybe thirty on the sidebars and five for each post. Unless it's Dawg Sports. If it's Dawg Sports, you can multiply that by ten. Dude's got a shortcut for every thought he's ever had.

HOST: And these links go to still more blogs?

IANN: Yeah. And those blogs have still more links.

HOST: INCREDIBLE!! And how much do these other blogs cost?

IANN: They're free, too.

HOST: AMAZING! So I can click on things? And it's free?

IANN: That's right. Even the other blogs are free.

HOST: I JUST CANNOT BELIEVE IT! Folks, log on in the next thirty minutes and you can have your very own access to all of these blogs about your favorite teams, for FREE, and you'll get all of the links to the other blogs about other teams, also for FREE! Is that right, IANN?

IANN: Yeah, that's pretty much it.

HOST: ASTOUNDING!!!

IANN: Yeah, okay.

DIRECTOR: Cut!

HOST: Are you sure you're not nine years old?