I'm late to Fire Mark May's Roundtable, and because I know that Trev is a stickler for punctuality, except, you know, when it comes to jobs and stuff, I apologize. So here it is:
Give the more zealous portion of your fanbase a religion. What's this cult following? Feel free to give the splitters a derogatory nickname.
Skyboxianism. The belief that when you die your soul ascends to the East-side air-conditioned corporate seats on the 50 yard line.
Your biggest rival is in town, and College Gameday is coming....to your citaaaaaaay... Create a blatant corporate sellout promotion to appeal to the mass unwashed.
The best corporate promotion I could think of was one that actually happened. In the midst of The Season of Which We Do Not Speak, the afternoon sports talk radio show was sponsored by Joseph Construction Disaster Cleaning and Restoration. A case of truth being funnier than fiction.
Add one local delicacy to your stadium's concessions. Post-tax pricing is optional.
Lots of stuff to choose from here, so let's go with a combo pack:
-
CrackbarrelCrackerbarrel hashbrown casserole - A Super Premium Petros
- RC-Cola and a Moonpie
- Grits (of course)
- A weekly special from Redneck Recipes, such as Wild Possum Kabob. "The possum must be alive so that you can scare it, giving you the "wild" taste from all the adrenaline it produces. It is best to hit it over the head with a large object in a humane manner."
- Something from Dixie Barbeque ("Horrifying vegetarians since 1980 something!")
- Patrons will be permitted to bring one item of roadkill with them, as per Tennessee's famed Roadkill Bill
- A Goo-Goo Cluster
- A side of fatback
- Wash it all down with a 64 ounce Mountain Dew in a souvenier moonshine jug with the X's on it.
With an unlimited AD budget, add or subtract one thing to your school's gameday experience that has nothing to do with football.
Heresy alert! What is up with the Tennessee Waltz? Okay, I know that it has the word "Tennessee" in the title and that we've been doing it since the wee ones were, well, wee, but do we need to do it after football games? Hey, Tennessee! You've just beaten your most-hated rival in five overtimes! What are you going to do now? "I know! Let's play a song in 3/4 time at forty beats per minute!" If you wouldn't do it while the other team is on defense or after a score, why would you do it after a win? Okay, I'm done. For now.
Coin a hilariously unrealistic stereotype that you would like to "make stick" for this upcoming season.
Florida football players smoke weed 24/7/365, including during football drills, and get suspended for I-AA games. Wait. Alabama fans and officials fire every football coach crazy enough to take the job except for the one they should fire. You know, the one who's been dead for almost 25 years? Hmm. That doesn't work, either. Let me back up and get a running start on this. Tennessee fans . . . I pass.
Redesign your conference or independent schedule with reckless abandon. Be prepared to include compensation for jilted schools and conferences in your explanation.
Reckless abandon: Substitute USC and Michigan for Kentucky and Vanderbilt in the SEC East and Texas, Oklahoma, and Ohio State for Mississippi State, Ole Miss, and Arkansas in the SEC West. You asked.Let's put the conference debate to rest once and for all.
Following up on your new realignment, blow up the BCS and devise a national playoff system, money grabs and missed exams be damned. Using your new fantasy conferences is optional.
With the new realignment of the SEC, everything else is superfluous. I think I just broke a Rule.
Elect one public figure to replace NCAA president Myles Brand. Anyone with proper name recognition is eligible.
I want Jack Bauer.
The foregoing took place between 6:30 a.m. and 7:30 a.m.