More things I hear at work at the Cubicle Farm here in Alabama, and the scathing things I think when I hear them.
1. The "Bama Band Dweeb Alum" Guy said, "Alabama's history of consistent success has always been due to leadership. That's what the Tide have over every other program in the country. Leadership." [Voice in my Head] Consistent..... Leadership..... Alabama....Dubose, Franchione, Price, Shula....The only consistent thing about Bama Leadership in the past twenty years is that you run through coaches like you-know-what (that would be crap) through a goose. I'm apoplectic "happy" for your success this season. It drives me bat crap crazy is good for the SEC. It makes me want to vomit in your desk rubbish bin proud to be a fan of the conference. Saban's success tells me that you can do anything with four mill a year, a complimentery car, a complimentary country club membership, and all the free red clothes you can stomach integrity and a processes.
2. The "Will-Muschamp-is-still-here-Auburn" Guy said, "Time to play another wuss from Tennessee." [Voice in my Head] Count to Ten. Breathe. Relax, only 7 hours and 28 minutes of work left. And then he'll be gone. With his personalized Auburn license plate (on his super sweet Honda Element). Yeah, don't let the guy who has a Honda Element get to you. He drives a car that looks like a forbidden love child between a geriatric Hummer and a plastic shoebox. Don't let him get to you. You can go home in 7 hours and 27 minutes and 30 seconds. And when Vandy beats Auburn this weekend, you can smile and think "Heh, Auburn lost and you still drive the ugliest car in history.....ok, well second most ugly car....this is the ugliest car in history.
3. On the drive to work I saw this Mercedes with a personalized plate that reinforced the idea that A. He was a Bama super fan and B. He drove a Mercedes. (I won't put the exact plate because I think it could get me into trouble. But that won't prevent me from sharing the thoughts I had!) [Voice in my Head] Wow, guy. Thanks for making sure I understood that you were a Bama fan (the 7 window stickers apparently weren't enough). Also, thanks for ensuring that I knew you drove a Mercedes. Sometimes I read those letters and I think "Apple Pie." Or I see the three pointed emblem and I think, "Wow, he drives a double cheeseburger!" Now I know, though, that somewhere out there, someone paid $100,000+ for an S550, 70 bucks for a personal plate, and 50 cents for 7 window stickers that ruin the entire car. Great Job! By the way, all this was said without a modicum of jealousy over your ridicously nice car or the recent success of your team. Seriously. Pardon me while I cry/vomit now.
4. The "I am from New Hampshire, but I wear crimson every Friday because I married a Bama Fan who loves UA(T) more than Me" Lady said to me, "Does Tennessee have a match this weekend?" [Voice in my Head] Really? I got nothing. You know you can talk to me about something else if you need to. Because what happens when I say, "Yes, they are 'matching' NIU." You'll nod not knowing what to say next because you'll wonder if I said N-I-U or if I started speaking Inuit and said "Ennayeyoo." And then you'll wonder if it would be stupid to ask me, "Where is that?" because everytime you ask your Bammer husband a question about football he looks at you like you have a foreign object sticking out of your nose. But if you did ask me where N-I-U was I would tell you without mocking you because honestly, I don't know anything about NIU myself. But instead you are going to say in Five, Four, Three, Two One, ---"New Hampshire Lady With Bammer Husband" said, "Oooh, I hear they are tough!"---and now I'll look at you like you have a foreign object sticking out of your nose, you'll recognize the look from home, awkwardly leave my cubicle and the conversation at that, and now I'll smell my pits wondering if I stink. Awesome.
5. The "Actually Reasonable Auburn Fan Who Follows College Football" Guy said to me, "Did she just say she heard NIU was tough?" (I Nod) "By the way, I'm scared to death of Vandy right now." [Voice in my Head] THANK YOU. Still the only guy in the office I can talk to. Please talk to me for at least five minutes so I can be sure that my pits don't reek.....