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Commentary: Offense, What kind of Number 2’er are you?

Well, it's been fun folks, but it looks like my brief stint at RTT may end with this post. The standards of taste and appropriateness enforced at RTT will probably preclude my staying on as a contributor.  But get these weird ideas and decide--it just had to be said...


There is a whole world of political intrigue, backdoor dealings, false fronts, and posturing that seldom gets talked about.  In this secretive world you are constantly watching your back, checking every move, and making sure that nobody sees or hears too much.  Behind the closed doors of this less than magical place, you do things that you hope no one else ever has to witness.  It is perhaps the only thing left in the world that most people do truly by themselves.

Yes. I am talking about going number 2.

And the most awkward place to go number 2 is at the office. 

On a lucky day, you'll get the communal bathroom all to yourself, free to make all the effort you need to get the job done.  Flying solo, you can make as much noise as you want.  Exert as much force as possible to rid yourself of your (hopefully) temporary burden.  It doesn't matter if the room sounds like someone is at Diving Practice, rocking and rolling an AK-47 on full auto while screaming "ADRIANNNNNNN!!!." Because no one is there. You are alone.  Alone to do what must be done.

But then there are those days, when you are not so lucky.

I am talking about the days when maybe somebody else ordered the same thing at lunch.  The days where, sadly, you are not alone in the office bullpen.  Somebody is sitting next to you in one of the most frustratingly tense and awkward situations Mankind has ever experienced.  The office restroom with multiple porcelain thrones is the great equalizer of all.  In that room, together with another human, rank, status, assets (heee heee)--all are meaningless.  In that room we are all the same.  We are all trying know....go.

And we are dang self conscious about it too.  When doing the doo (Bet Mountain Dew didn't think of that angle) with someone else sitting next to you, you become another person.  You become a different type of dooer. You don't it.  You try to be passive about it.  Baby steps.  You don't try to throw the whole shebang out with one glorious release of energy.  Because that would make sounds.  That would make an enormous splash.  That would be uncouth.

So what do you do when doing 2 with another?  You measure yourself.  A little at a time.  You don't do anything drastic because your overarching goal at this strange moment in your life is to be as silent and non-embarrassing as possible.

Please...bear with me...I promise I have a point.

The Volunteer Offense is playing like someone else is crapping in the stall next to them.

It's like the Vols are afraid of making waves (no pun intended).  Trying too hard not to take risks and make mistakes. Where did all these short yardage plays come from?  It seems like they're constantly trying to hit on short five yard routes.  Even with the one pass attempt we've made out of the G-Gun we didn't throw it downfield.  We threw it to Lucas Taylor who seemed like he was still on the line of scrimmage.  We used to have an offense that was pretty consistent at taking shots downfield.  It seems like right now we are constantly fighting and failing for the short yardage gains.  

I'm not saying that the Vols are not taking shots down the field.  They are!  But when it doesn't work and the boo birds come out the offense seems to get self conscious and crawl into this shell of short yardage only plays.  On second down instead of running up the gut (oh how topical) we try to keep defenses off balance with shart (sorry that slipped)---short yardage throws designed to put us in a good short yardage positions for third down.  We keep trying to produce with the small plays.  It's not working!!

We need our vertical passing game back.  We need our ground game to continue our tradition of excruciatingly hard fought drives that showcase the maximum effort and pride that Vol fans and solo office poo'ers are used to.  

Take charge offense.  This is your game.  You play your game how you want to.  Not how the other team wants you to.  Don't take what you can get.  Throw it all and the kitchen sink at ‘em and see if you got more left!

Ignore the other person Vols.  Pretend he ain't there.  MAKE ALL THE NOISE YOU WANT.  MAKE A SPLASH!  Play your game.  Dance like no ones watching. Sing like no ones listening.  Crap like no ones listening (or smelling).  Be the 2er that goes like heck because no one else is there.  Be Free!!  Don't be the paranoid 2er that constantly is wondering, "Oh my god, did he hear that???"

It's gonna be hard work and sometimes it'll stink.  But, BY GOD, somebody has got to do it.