So I was watching Pig Howard's YouTube highlight reel that Caban so kindly posted yesterday, and like many of you, my initial thoughts went something like, "Cool, he's fast. Woo, moves. WOW, that was nice. WOMMAMAMAMA THIS DUDE NEVER DROPS THE BALL !!!1!!!1 MOOOOOOOOOVES WOOOOO."
And yeah, the whole time the cynical part of my brain (which is threatening a coup, by the way) was saying, "Dude. It's a highlight reel. He's not going to derp on a highlight reel."
Right. Of course not.
And that got me thinking. What would your highlight reel look like? And perhaps more important for entertainment purposes, what would you non-highlight reel look like?
- Somewhere around fourth grade, a neighbor girl named Beth punched me in the gut and I cried.
- I peed my pants in little league. At bat. Tried to hide it with dirt. Didn't work.
- I somehow convinced my rock band mates in high school to start Judas Priest's "You Got Another Thing Coming" but refuse to start singing it until the star basketball player started dancing. Nobody wants to be the first to dance, and we ROCKED that F# for nearly five minutes, no exaggeration.
- As the lead in the senior musical "The Boyfriend," I both did a tap dance routine and flitted around the stage with an empty box while wearing a monkey hat.
- In my early twenties, I grew my hair out. And I mean "out," because my hair is curly and doesn't obey the law of gravity. Yes, I was a Chia Pet.
- I dropped out of college after puking lasagna into a plastic grocery bag in some poor stranger's new truck on the way to the ER due to killer headaches. I had a beard, which . . . catches things.
- I sold "vacation memberships" for a summer. It's like time share for campers. The first step down a road of careers people despise.
- Once, playing whiffle ball with my four-year-old daughter, I decided to show her how far over her head I could hit the thing. Instead, I hit her right smack in the forehead.
- I once had a goatee. Two years ago, long past the appropriate age for such things.
- A couple of weeks ago, I made fried chicken out of crushed Jalapeno Cheetos.
- I once defended Lane Kiffin. Okay, more than once. OKAY, FOR AN ENTIRE SEASON STOP!
- Rock band in junior high and high school. Started with My Sharona and Turning Music into Gold, and ended in the clubs in the Quad Cities playing stuff like Ted Nugent's Wango Tango, Night Ranger, Journey, Van Halen, Sammy Hagar, Tesla, Etc. Good times.
- One of eight tenors in all-state 32-voice jazz choir in high school. Lead in the senior musical (hey, life is all good and all bad all at once).
- 3.98 GPA at the Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale. One of my teachers was the guy who engineered the Eagle's Hotel California. He has a hole in his hearing at something like 4k, so whenever he said, "what," we always responded, "Sorry. Must have said that at 4k." A classmate of mine went on to record Skid Row's first album while I promptly turned that "degree" into four years managing a record store. Heh.
- 4.0 at Belmont in music business. Head of one of Vince Gill's charity basketball games and concerts. Promptly took that accomplishment and turned it into law school aspirations. Huh?
- Completed the dream of becoming a rock star by graduating cum laude from law school and becoming general counsel of a nursing home company. Hey, someone has to be able to relate to those aging rock stars, right? "How many times do I have to tell you, Mr. Simmons, not to breathe fire by the oxygen tanks!"
- Seriously, one beautiful wife, two beautiful daughters. Two dogs, also female, both of whom you may remember.
- Gave it all up so I could wear jeans to work.
So what's yours?