The Record of Wrongs: Tennessee-Florida

Let's dust this puppy off, crack it open, and see what's inside.

Hear ye, hear ye. It's time for Tennessee Volunteer fans to gather for the ceremonial reading of the Record of Wrongs, a litany of the offenses committed by the Florida Gators.

New for 2011

• Neither their parents nor their kindergarten teachers taught the Gators to share. Completely hoarded all third down conversions and kept them for themselves in 2010 against the Vols. Selfish.
• Will Muschamp stiff-armed Tennessee twice when we were looking for a new coach. Rumor circulated that he didn't want to deal with the player culture problem at Tennessee. So he naturally gave Florida a sloppy wet kiss when they came calling.
• Have caused Vol fans to have to endure not only years of defeat at the hands of the Gators, but years of listening to Verne Sundquist and Larry Daniels, who seem to take turns and great pleasure in insulting Tennessee. Last year's episode included a backhanded compliment of Knoxville and the questioning of the existence of math in Tennessee. (We'll conveniently ignore that the latter actually proved a bit prescient for Mr. Lundquist. SquirrelNut.) Let me go out on a limb here and predict the following conversation between our favorite CBS tag team this weekend:

Vernquist: Going for the first doooowwwwn . . .  got it!

Daniel-san: Actually, Verne, I think he's about ten yards short.

Sunkist: Okay. Yep. Yep. He's just short. Do you know how awesome you are?

Daniel My Brother: Heh heh heh. Tebow.

KissedMySister: Dustin Wilhoit for the kick . . . it's good! Are you kidding me?

Gary Indiana: Actually, Verne . . . .

• This year's version of the Florida Gators features Chris Rainey, who was arrested for aggravated stalking mid-September last year after texting "Time to Die [term of non-endearment]" to a girlfriend. He was kicked off the team and he would return never never never until October. We Vol fans assume that a DA fresh out of the Florida law school concluded Rainey was simply quoting Ecclesiastes. Hey, the DA had to be well-oiled and well-conditioned from multiple reps, as Rainey made it an even 30 players arrested during the Urban Meyer Era.

Added in 2010

• The Gators somehow persuaded the planets to conspire against the Vols in 2009 and plot annihilation of the team bus with an astronomical power wedge. It's a miracle we survived with a 23-13 loss.
• Well maybe not a miracle. Urban Meyer -- an assassin who drops safes on saints -- said that his team didn't blow out Tennessee last year because much of his team . . . had the flu and because we were playing for a moral victory. And that whole moral victory thing dogged us all season.
• After placing a huge, pus-filled boil-ish zit on the otherwise pure skin of Peyton Manning's career, they did the same to Eric Berry's.
• Urban Meyer used Tim Tebow's wicked concussion to attempt to grow legend into myth while the man was still alive, telling the world that the first words of Tebow after he came to were, "Did I hold on to the ball?" and "It's great to be a Gator." Pardon me, Gata.
• Caused Gator fans to suggest Lane Kiffin knew what he was doing. Caused fans of other teams to say the same thing. Caused me to write extremely idiotic things like this.

The Priors

• Tony Joiner used our cheese for his sandwich .
• Offensive lineman Matt Patchan called Lane Kiffin a bozo.
• This woman:
• These guys:

Urban Meyer . . .

• eats his own;
• is humorless;
• stole the spread from Jim Chaney;
• emits evil subliminal messages;
• hates the media;
• killed Smokey in a point and stare competition;
• cheated (or not!) by calling a recruit who was visiting Tennessee at the time;
• told Jesse Scroggins he would change Florida's offense if Scroggins committed;
• told Jevan Snead he was recruiting Tim Tebow as a linebacker;
• is never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever going to Notre Dame;
• is just plain mean:
  
  
  
• boasts a repertoire of dance moves consisting only of Greased Lightning:
  
  
  

Dates and scores

• 1991: Gators 35, Tennessee 18. Ron Zook stole a portion of Tennessee's playbook.
• 1993: Gators 41, Tennessee 34. Redshirt freshman Danny Wuerffel's first start for the Gators.
• 1994: Gators 31, Tennessee 0. Wuerffel scores on four of his first five possessions, giving the Vols their worst home loss since 1924.
• 1995: Gators 62, Tennessee 37. Wuerffel scores seven TDs on seven consecutive possessions.
• 1996: Gators 35, Tennessee 29. Peyton Manning throws four interceptions and loses a fumble on a sack.
• 1997: Gators 33, Tennessee 20. Wuerffel leaves, Manning returns, Gators still win. Manning, who lost a total of nine games in his Tennessee career, lost to the Gators four times.
• 1999. Gators 23, Tennessee 21. Alex Brown dons an invisibility cloak and sacks Tee Martin five times.
• 2000. Gators 27, Tennessee 23. The "Gaffney Game."
• 2002. Gators 30, Tennessee 13. Casey Clausen fumbles on four consecutive plays in a downpour.
• 2005: Gators 16, Tennessee 7. Tennessee suffers a special teams debacle in Urban Meyer's first season.
• 2006: Gators 21, Tennessee 20. Tennessee rushes for -11 yards.
• 2007: Gators 59, Tennessee 20. Utter dishumiliarrassment. Gators players accuse Tennessee players of quitting.
• 2008: Gators 30, Tennessee 6. Florida gives Tennessee a chronic allergy to the red zone.
• 2009: Gators 23, Tennessee 13, in which we apparently claimed a moral victory over a roster battling not just us but the plague as well.
• 2010: Gators 31, Tennessee 17. Dooleyn Year Zero. Hung with them for the first half, experienced a back-breaking fake punt in the 3rd quater, and then the front fell off. We hate these guys.

Probably not true

• Urban Meyer is secretly harvesting the chins and lips of orphaned children.
• Tim Tebow is Gene Simmons' concert double.
• Brandon James thinks banana-kitten smoothies are divine except for the fur.

I'm certain I've missed some. Whatcha got?