Or, "What Cuonzo Martin Dreams About."
(To our friends at other schools: this is a joke. You're in the tournament. Enjoy yourselves.)
SOUTH REGION
Riots continued today in Lexington in the aftermath of Kentucky's historic loss in the first round, as Western Kentucky became the first 16 seed to defeat a 1 seed in the NCAA Tournament. The Cats were undone by an eyebrow injury to Anthony Davis and the ghosts of John Calipari's tournament teams, as Kentucky shot 6% at the free throw line and 0 for 33 from the arc. In the postgame press conference Kentucky's entire roster declared for the NBA Draft, prompting John Calipari to call it the second greatest day in UK history. Western Kentucky was promptly routed by 50 by Iowa State in the second round.
Meanwhile Baylor played their way to the Elite Eight, taking down the Xavier squad that had just upset Duke in the second round. But the region would belong to Wichita State, giving greater respect to the Missouri Valley Conference as the Shockers beat the Bears to make their way to the Final Four.
WEST REGION
Tiger High went down in creative fashion in the first round against Saint Louis, as head coach Josh Pastner refused to put his team on the floor on grounds that the matchup might give Saint Louis a recruiting advantage in the city of Memphis. The Billikens then played their way to the Sweet 16 by upsetting top seed Michigan State. The Spartans lost by one point when Saint Louis was put on the free throw line in the final seconds on what was later revealed to be a phantom foul. Meanwhile, Rick Pitino's Louisville squad went down in the first round again.
But the region belonged to the hot-shooting Florida Gators, who sent a "Welcome to the SEC" message to the Missouri Tigers in the second round, out-dueled Marquette in the Sweet 16, and beat Saint Louis to make their way back to the Final Four.
EAST REGION
Vanderbilt was upset in the first round by Harvard, but you're not surprised. Florida State looked to assert their dominance as a friendly non-Carolina alternative in the ACC by taking down Ohio State in the Sweet 16 after Aaron Craft left the game with a freak eye injury after a camera's flashbulb went off too close to him.
The Seminoles then made the Final Four by beating Syracuse in the Elite Eight, which is good because we were all really tired of hearing a one seed talk about how no one believed in them even though they didn't have Fab Melo.
MIDWEST REGION
Anthony Grant's Alabama squad struck a blow for the SEC by taking out one seed North Carolina in the second round. Afterward Roy Williams vowed to never return to Greensboro, dissatisfied with low popcorn sales in the arena over the weekend. Michigan also went down early, bounced by Ohio State in the first round.
But the big winner was Purdue. Matt Painter's squad took out St. Mary's, then upset two seed Kansas in the second round. They then beat upstart Belmont in the Sweet 16, making their way to the Tide in the Elite Eight. Purdue won a tight game to make the Final Four. Painter was given a lifetime contract with stipulations stating that his removal, retirement, or pursuit of any other job would lead to an automatic self-imposed death penalty.
FINAL FOUR
The Missouri Valley was good, but the SEC was better as Florida pulled away from Wichita State in the second half. Purdue beat Florida State to set up a highly-unlikely-but-still-just-believable-enough championship game between 7 seed Florida and 10 seed Purdue. Behind an extraordinary shooting night, Florida won their third National Championship in six years.
Tennessee is now 5-1 against those teams.
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