Point-Counterpoint: Missouri

Point

There can be no compromise with Missouri

By Zombie Henry Clay

Ladies and gentlemen, when last we spoke, I addressed you most eloquently upon the subject of compromise-- addressing whether or not every compromise is an abdication of a principle, or simply  a measure of mutual concession and sacrifice. I plied our body politic with words of erudition, and sought to sway you with a sweet and honeyed tongue-- but long years have wrought a bitter wisdom in these dusty bones, and I fear I must abjure my former words and repent. Having considered the matter most deeply upon my Christian conscience, I can no longer remain silent-- I have wrought a great injustice upon you. So now let me be frank and forthright-- I would like to apologize for misleading you: there can be no compromise with Missouri, a festering and pestilent boil on the face of our great union.

I know that I have spoken of our duty to assure peace and concord, of the grand blessing that is the reunion and restoration of harmony in our great Union-- but this was but the brazen stridency of a false trumpet! Let us consider the land of Missouri: it has neither tradition, nor loveliness; neither first round draft picks nor winning records against Indiana; neither championships nor entertainment value. Some would say that an additional audience for our athletic competitions should sway us to accept a poor and barren land, but I ask you-- should a false copper force a man to compromise his very soul? What makes a man, if he should sell his principles most dear for the false lucre of Kansas City television sets?

Missouri is an abomination, a casserole of pitiful recruiting and poorly executed offense that should be returned to the loving hands of its rightful owner. Even the mascot is but a poor imitation of another, better program: when we speak of Tigers, should the sixth best team in the SEC East be an available option? Let us harden our hearts and cast this poor cultural fit into the outer darkness, where neither SEC network money nor Verne Lundquist, nor Waffle House can ever reach, and return the Fourteenth Place in our conference of equals to our Southern bosom, there to remain until a worthy suitor can be found.

A man who makes a mistake is but a man, but a man who persists in his mistake despite great evidence to the contrary is a fool of the highest order. As this decision passes from my hands to yours, I pray that you will meet it with a just conception and a true appreciation of its magnitude, and the consequences that may ensue from your decision one way or the other.

I have made many mistakes in my day, but ladies and gentlemen I beseech you: do not compromise with Missouri, lest that wretched state be the end of us all.

Counterpoint

Is Missouri in the SEC East?

By Your Dad

I saw the preview for this weekend in the newspaper and I wanted to check with you to make sure: is Missouri in the SEC? Really... you're sure you're not fooling with me, like that thing about Mississippi State being undefeated or Chik-fil-a running out of spicy chicken sandwiches?

Huh. Well, I guess it's true if you say it's true.

I mean, I know I haven't been following the team as closely as you have been ever since that last coach with the brightly colored britches left, but I feel pretty sure I'd remember adding another Vanderbilt to the schedule, especially because your mom has that cousin who married a fellow from up there who always wants to watch some other kind of football around the holidays.

So what are they, the Fighting Potato Cheese Wedges?

I can't keep those teams from the Big East straight, especially because they always seem to lose to places I forgot existed like Indiana and Syracuse. Seems like they're just a bunch of guys running around in Arena League uniforms on mid-week television when I'm trying to find what channel CSI is on.

From the Big 12? Really.

So you're saying these guys I don't even remember used to play Texas?

Huh.

Well, I don't know what's happened so far, but I can't imagine they're going to enjoy visiting Knoxville. Your uncle Ronnie told me that new quarterback Joel Dopst is pretty good, and I can't imagine folks from way out in the sticks have seen anything like Neyland Stadium before.

Well, good to know that there's another easy win on the schedule.

Wake me up when it's time to play Vanderbilt, I've been saving an old autographed Will Perdue jersey to get the fire started for s'mores this year.