Riley Ferguson Was the Greatest Tennessee Quarterback Since Peyton Manning
By Message Board Matt
Angels wearing orange weep today, because redshirt freshman quarterback Riley Ferguson is leaving the Tennessee football program. Ferguson, a three-star recruit from North Carolina, wowed fans with his tattoos, devil-may-care attitude, and lack of appearances in any games for the University of Tennessee. With ideal size and arm strength, Ferguson quickly ascended to third on the depth chart, where he led the team in fourth quarter warm-ups and helmet-off grimaces. From rumors of extreme arm-strength in non-contact practices to rumors of accuracy in off-season workouts, Ferguson bestrode Tennessee message boards like a Colossus of Potential, amazing and titillating hungry Vols fans with myths of his quarterback prowess. With every reply and Twitter mention, his legend grew: here he was threading accurate passes against scout team defenses; there he was getting to the edge for a long run against walk-on practice players.
When contacted, offensive coordinator Mike Bajakian could only answer with choking sobs and deep, mournful cries of sorrow and loss. Undoubtedly, he will be burning the midnight oil at the football offices as he schemes to try and replace all of Ferguson's zero touchdown passes, zero completions, and zero demonstrated competence in managing game situations in real games against SEC opponents.
Goodnight, sweet prince, may the angels sing Rocky Top to you.
Who is Riley Ferguson?
By Your Dad
Who is Riley Ferguson again? Is he the one who threw that long ugly pass late in the South Carolina game, and then that one big freshman kid caught it, and we won, and I was so happy because if I had to sit at the table with my sister's Gamecock fan husband one more time I was going to lose it... No? Oh, okay.
So is he the one who played so terribly against Florida, and your mom got all upset because I was cursing the television in front of your nephew and then we had to finish watching the game in the garage, but that was okay, because I can drink all the beer I want out there anyway... No? Well, he really should transfer. I'd think a man who had his pants pulled down like that in front of thousands of people would have the dignity to slink off into the woods to finish stinking up the joint in private.
Wait, you mean that astronaut kid who's really into space and whatever? I never thought when I paid for you to go to Space Camp that there might be a future football player in the next bunk or pod or whatever you insisted on calling it. Maybe that was a sound investment after all... there was something on networking on the local news last night. No? Well I don't have any idea who you're talking about then.
Wake me up when fall camp starts.