Methodology note: This week's edition of the power rankings was definitely not delayed because Chris Pendley, KidBourbon, and I were engaged in ritual human sacrifice to appease the football gods. Nope, nooooo way. Also, does anyone know how to get bloodstains out of black cotton robes? Asking for a friend.
SEC Power Rankings, Week 5
- Currently unoccupied.
- Alabama. Dominated Georgia in Athens while Ole Miss went down in flames to Florida.
- Leonard Fournette featuring the State University of Baton Rouge Players. Can anyone stop Fournette? Probably not, but if anyone can slow him down, can Brandon Harris make plays in the passing game?
- Ole Miss. Saved fans the trouble of an agonizing collapse in November by getting unexpectedly blown out in October.
- Florida. Either Will Grier is the second coming of Danny Wuerffel, or Jim McElwain is a pretty FULMERIZED good quarterback coach. At this point, McElwain is either Les Miles lucky or Gus Malzahn good, neither of which is great news for the rest of the SEC East.
- Georgia. Really, did anyone take Georgia as a home favorite against Alabama? Lane Kiffin probably cackled all the way to the bank after spreading a rumor about himself to juice the odds. He's hoping the money will come in handy when he moves to Miami next year to coach the Hurricanes. Ocean front property ain't cheap, y'all.
- TAMU. Quietly undefeated, said someone who doesn't know any Aggie fans. This is probably the best A&M defense since Dat Nguyen was still between the lines, so the Aggies might not collapse down the stretch.
- CLANGA. Slow motion better than no motion.
- Arkansas. BERT GETS A CONFERENCE ROAD WIN, STOPS AT AT EVERY KFC ON THE WAY HOME FOR "VICTORY CHICKEN". Some free advice to future Razorback opponents: cover the tight end and that one skinny receiver with the nerdy name and forget about everyone else.
- Tennessee. The advanced stats say this team is good, but it looked like the some of the players gave up in the second half against Arkansas.
Chris: has anyone seen Mike Sherman since football season started? I have a theory.
Hunter: if he was working for Butch, the offensive line would be better.
Chris: Not working for Butch, body-swapped with Butch. You know, like Freaky Friday. Love that movie.
KidB: Is Mike Sherman the guy who burned down Atlanta in the Civil War?
- Mizzou. Other other Tiger fans prior to this year: "Recruiting rankings are nonsense! It's all about proven performance, not future potential!" Other other Tiger fans this year: "Drew Lock was a four-star recruit! If a mad scientist grafted Chase Daniels' head onto Blaine Gabbert's body with James Franklin's balls, Drew Lock would be the result! He's going to be the best thing to come out of Missouri since the Compromise! Drew Lock makes Tom Brady look like Ryan Leaf's less successful brother! Drew Lock will win not one, not two, but three Heisman trophies, be the first pick in the draft, and impregnate every Midwesterner's favorite girl Kate Upton, all while burning Kansas to the ground and founding a chain of reasonably priced family eateries!
- Kentucky. If Kentucky wins that game against Florida, where are the Wildcats now?
- Auburn. The Wizard's greatest trick: a world class disappearing act.
- Vanderbilt. Managed a fourth quarter comeback to beat the third tier state school in Tennessee-- so for a team that has never won anything ever, that's good enough to escape last place-- I suppose.
- South Carolina. "GENE CHIZIK APPLE-CATION FOR HEAD CORCH SOUTHERN CAROLINA. NATINAL CHAMPOINSHIP CORCH HAS EXPERICENE WITH CAROLINA QB CAM NEWTOWN. WILL WORK FOR FOOD." Reads the crayon-smeared napkin submitted to the South Carolina AD's office.
Pappy Van Winkle
Blanton's Original Single Barrel
Jefferson's Ocean: Aged at Sea
1792 Ridgemont Reserve Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey
Hunter: 1. Roll Turds, 2. LSU, 3. Ole Miss, 4. Florida, 5. Georgia, 6. TAMU, 7. CLANGA, 8. BERT, 9. Tenn-uh-see, 10. Kentucky, 11. Mizzou, 12. Vandy, 13. Auburn, 14. Southern Carolina
Chris Pendley: 1. Bama, 2. LSU, 3. Florida, 4. Ole Miss, 5. TAMU, 6. Georgia, 7. CLANGA, 8. BERT, 9. Tennessee, 10, Mizzou, 11. Kentucky, 12. Auburn, 13. Vandy, 14. South Carolina
Kid Bourbon: 1. Bama, 2. LSU, 3. Georgia, 4. TAMU, 5. Ole Miss, 6. Florida, 7. BERT, 8. CLANGA, 9. Tennessee, 10. Mizzou, 11. Auburn, 12. Kentucky, 13. South Carolina, 14. Vandy