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SEC Power Rankings, Week 8: Game(show) Time

By Hunter Turner
I still can't believe he caught this.
I still can't believe he caught this.
John David Mercer-USA TODAY Sports

Methodology note: Moral victories are in no way comparable to real victories (unless you're a Vanderbilt fan), but Tennessee's game against Alabama was encouraging for a number of reasons: closest margin of defeat since 2009, first lead in the fourth quarter in a decade, and real evidence that the talent gap has closed. We'll see how Nick Saban's minions match up against Les Miles and Leonard Fournette next week, but at least the huge defeats of Derek Dooley's tenure look like they're in the past.

This week's power rankings were composed in a place of quiet contemplation, marveling at the miracle of existence. We can't all be in Gatlinburg, but surely we can seek to live harmoniously with one another. Unless Butch loses to Kentucky-- then all bets are off.

Here's the link to Team Speed Kills, where the consensus rankings will be published whenever someone gets around to it are now available: SEC Power Rankings, Week 8.

SEC Power Rankings, Week 8: Games

    Showcase Showdown

  1. Leonard Fournette featuring the State University of Baton Rouge Players. If you're out on the bayou fishing this weekend at just the right time around sundown, you may see or hear the signs of something powerful and supernatural, rustling through the trees or stirring the brackish water beneath the tree roots. If you do, go on now and head home if you know what's good for you. The outer parishes are always home to the strange and obscene, but you do not want to see where the Purple King Les Miles draws his inspiration or stumble across the haunted Carcosa, inhabited by only by JaMarcus Russell and hundreds of handmade devil nets. If you get lost, whisper the following to yourself, and wait for Rohan Davey to guide you to safety:
    "Strange is the night where black stars rise, And strange moons circle through the skies, But stranger still is Lost Carcosa. Forever and ever, geaux Tigers."
  2. Alabama. How is Jacob Coker the starting quarterback in Tuscaloosa? You'd think that a team with as much recruiting success as Alabama could do better than a poor man's John Parker Wilson at the most important position on the field. Coker makes decisions with the football like AJ McCarron makes decisions about chest tattoos. Anyway, Lane Kiffin should thank his lucky stars when he's coaching Miami next year that he had Calvin Ridley and Ardarius Stewart to bail him out. No, not during the football game-- Joey Freshwater may have had a few too many appletinis at the Gray Lady and couldn't keep his loaner BWM between the lines on the way home.


    3. Double Jeopardy

  3. Florida. If Florida wins the SEC East, expect McElwain to face questioning about Will Grier's failed drug test that will make Hillary's Benghazi interrogation look like a sideline interview from Pam Oliver.
  4. Mississippi State. [Reader challenge: post your funniest or most insightful thoughts about the Other Bulldogs in the comments and I'll edit you in. I'm fresh out of ideas.]
  5. Ole Miss. Apparently Hugh Freeze bought a copy of Gary Pinkel's book, "The Mizzou Story: How To Lose Embarrassingly To An Out-of-Conference Opponent And Yet Still Win Your Division."


    6. I'd like to buy a kicker tackle meaningful win new head coach vowel

  6. Tennessee. Calvin Ridley is so good it's almost unfair.
  7. Texas A&M. Kenny Trill, Kyle Allen, Kyler Murray... famous but have yet to achieve anything... ohmygod the Aggies are filming a reality show with the Kardashians, aren't they?
  8. Arkansas. BERTLBY the coach: "I would prefer not... to pass the ball."
  9. Georgia. I'd assume Faton Bauta is better than Greyson Lambert just by virtue of not being Greyson Lambert, but I can't help thinking that his name sounds more like a Central American dictator than a Georgia quarterback.

    10. No Whammies

  10. Auburn. Malzahn the Football Wizard: two years ago, Gandalf; last year, David Copperfield; this year, David Blaine. "Oooooo, I can sit in a box for a long time!"
  11. Kentucky. Mark Stoops has improved the talent on this roster, but maybe still not quite enough to get over the hump.


    12. Covered with Green Slime

  12. South Carolina. The Gamecocks are preparing to welcome their national championship winning future head coach, Mack Brown.
  13. Vanderbilt. Congrats on your biennial conference win, Derek Mason!
  14. Missouri. Chris Pendley: "Y'ALL COULDN'T EVEN NOT SUCK ENOUGH FOR ME TO HAVE MY ONE FULMERIZED JOKE WORK OUT THE REST OF THE YEAR."

Individual votes

Hunter: 1. Leonard and Friends, 2. America's Worst Fans, 3. Flerduh, 4. CLANGA, 5. Ole Drippy, 6. Vols, 7. Cult of Aggy, 8. Jawja, 9. BERTLBY, 10. Auburn, 11. Good at Basketball, 12. Vanderbilt, 13. Mizzou, 14. Sakerlina

Chris Pendley: 1. Alabama, 2. LSU, 3. Florida, 4. Mississippi State, 5. Ole Miss, 6. Texas A&M, 7. Tennessee, 8. Arkansas, 9. Georgia, 10. Auburn, 11. Kentucky, 12. Souf Cack, 13. Vanderbilt. 14. Mizzou

Kid Bourbon: 1. Alabama, 2. LSU, 3. Florida, 4. CLANGA, 5. Ole Drippy, 6. BERT, 7. Vols, 8. Drunk Kevin Sumlin, 9. UGA, 10. Auburn, 11. Kentucky, 12. Sakerlina, 13. Vandy, 14. Mizz

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