Methodology note: Like a bloated booster at an SEC tailgate, this week's Power Rankings are skinny on top, heavy in the middle, and a hairy mess at the bottom. The similarities don't end there, as the author relied on his smoking-hot wife and copious amounts of bourbon to compose this piece, which explains both the lateness and general excellence involved. Chris Pendley also triumphantly returns this week from the Snark Mines with armloads of fresh new material. Having spent much of his time buried under a pile of paperwork, he's angry, grateful, confused, and ready to see the sun in equal measures.
Here's the link to Team Speed Kills, where the consensus rankings are available: SEC Power Rankings, Week 10.
SEC Power Rankings, Week 10: Bamapocalpyse
- Alabama. Chris: The relentless inevitability of Nick Saban coached teams... Hunter: ...like watching a Nature Channel documentary on pythons, or spotting a glowing Waffle House sign on a night out. Okay fine, WaHo, I'll see you later tonight, I'll order the All-Star Special, and I'll enjoy every glorious calorie. Chris: I'd ask if they'll be able to survive Lane Kiffin going to Miami, but ...yeah, they'll be fine. Hunter: Miami's AD should preemptively forfeit a bowl appearance this year to take care of the NCAA penalties Lane's going to rack up in 2016-2018.
- Leonard Fournette and the Twenty-one Dwarves. Chris: Got their heads caved in by Alabama, which happens. However, the rest of the SEC is pretty trashtastic right now. Speaking of which: we're done thinking Brandon Harris is a good enough QB to make defenses stop keying on Leonard Fournette, right? [HUGE, MASSIVE, MASSIVE GULF OF TALENT AND THE TEAMS BELOW HERE ARE VARIOUS SHADES OF FULMERIZED AWFUL GOOD FULMERIZED GOD CAN AT LEAST ONE OF YOU ACT LIKE YOU FULMERIZED BELONG]. Hunter: Les Miles wants a run-first, manball team, but Alabama isn't a team that can be beaten without passing the ball. At some point, LSU will need to upgrade from Precambrian to Phanerozoic offenses-- Jacob Coker is probably the nadir of Alabama quarterbacking in the Saban era, and he still comfortably outplayed Brandon Harris.
- Mississippi State. Chris: Comfortably beat Missouri, but allowed a TD to Missouri. I was all set to drop them to ninth and everyone else in the conference decided to look terrible. Hunter: CLANGA is playing well enough to greenlight a second season of Dan Mullen, Next Head Coach at Your University.
- Florida. Chris: I was almost right about the 9-6 last week. The only problems were that it was 9-7 and somehow Florida ended up needing to squeak by friggin' Vandy of all teams. Y'all ain't getting to stay in the top 3 after that.
- Tennessee. Chris: "First Half Tennessee" is the third-best team in the SEC, but "Second-Half Tennessee" is the 11th-best team in the SEC. Hunter: Don't be like "Second-Half Tennessee" -- Butch Jones, ditch the gameplan and get adjustments after halftime.
- Arkansas. Chris: The Pigs have won three in a row and since the name of the game this week is Tire Fire, that's good enough for the top half. Hunter: KidB called the win over Ole Miss last week, which just goes to show BERT is coaching in the most Arkansas way possible. Get frilly Razorback panties exposed by Toledo? Sure, why not. Beat Ole Miss on a fourth down lateral? Okey-dokey. It's going to be hilarious to see the fan reaction when Arkansas beats LSU and CLANGA only to be embarrassed by Missouri.
- Ole Miss. Chris: As talented as anyone, but run back-to-back one possession games with Auburn and Arkansas and we're gonna start wondering when you're hiring Mike DeBord, Hugh. Hunter: So we're closing in on the end of the season and Ole Miss has dropped... right into the spot where I picked them in the preseason: SEC Power Rankings Week 1. (Note: pay no attention to where I ranked Auburn, LSU, and Florida. That must have been an impostor.)
- Georgia. Chris: Still pretty unconvincing, but properly beat up Kentucky, which won't let us forget when they give up 45 to Auburn. Hunter: I'm amused by the idea that Georgia could fire a coach after a 10-3 season (assuming the Bulldogs win out).
- Texas A&M. Chris: Speaking of giving up way too many points to Auburn. Y'all did that at home?! Hunter: Someone needs to explain to me what is going on with the quarterback situation on that team. Sumlin may be a great offensive coach, but playing roulette with quarterbacks (Kenny Trill, Kyle Allen, Kyler Murray) to appease factions inside the locker room smacks of lack of control by the coaching staff.
- Auburn. Hunter: Maybe Gus Malzahn has been saving up all of his coaching wizardry for the Iron Bowl. Please, please let this be the case. Chris: On the off chance they're actually starting to figure things out, they'll rocket up the rankings in a hurry.
- South Carolina. Chris: This is where "losing by 3" counts as "hey, you're not particularly close to the worst team in the SEC right now". Such is life in the ACC Coastal. Hunter: Yep. People talk about the SEC East being down this year, but as Chris pointed out, South Carolina thoughtfully provided 7-1 North Carolina with its only loss. Also, Brandon Wilds is pretty good when he's healthy.
- Kentucky. Chris: If y'all weren't busy watching basketball, you'd be more annoyed that Kentucky needs to win at Vanderbilt and against Charlotte to get to a bowl. Do you trust these guys not to end up 5-7 somehow?
- Vanderbilt. Chris: Had the biggest dead cat bounce of the dregs of the SEC East. Hunter: Well, one way to avoid Johnny McCrary throwing interceptions is simply not to throw the ball at all. They say comparison is the thief of joy, but that person didn't spend hours watching two teams trying to set back football a hundred years.
- Missouri. Chris: On the plus side, they scored an offensive TD last week! That's pretty much the only on-the-field positive they have going for them right now. Hunter: BYU is going to have their hands full with a pissed off Missouri squad this weekend.
GO AHEAD AND BOOK THE WAL-MART FOR FEBRUARY, TAMMY. THAT CRYSTAL FOOTBALL AIN'T GONNA LIFT ITSELF.
STOCK UP ON SUNSCREEN, MAMA, WE'RE GOING TO A WARM BOWL GAME.
OBVIOUSLY Y'ALL ARE SOME JEALOUS HATERS FOR HOW YOU RANKED MY FAVORITE TEAM WHAT BEAT THAT OTHER TEAM.
WELL BLESS YOUR HEARTS, YOU TRIED.
Hunter: 1. Bama, 2. LSU, 3. Florida, 4. CLANGA, 5. Tennessee, 6. Ole Miss, 7. BERT, 8. Richt and Friends, 9. TAMU, 10. Aubie, 11. Kentucky, 12. Sakerlina, 13. Vandy, 14. Mizzou
Chris Pendley: 1. Alabama, 2. LSU, 3.CLANGA, 4. Florida, 5. Tennessee, 6. Arkansas, 7. Ole Miss, 8. Georgia, 9. Texas A&M, 10. Auburn, 11. Vanderbilt, 12. South Carolina, 13. Kentucky, 14. Missouri
Kid Bourbon: 1. Bama, 2. LSWho?, 3. CLANGA, 4. Tennessee, 5. Florida, 6. BERT, 7. Dripsters, 8. UGA, 9. TAMU, 10. Auburn, 11. South Carolina, 12. Kentucky, 13. Protesters, 14. Vanderbilt