Methodology note: This weekend's showdown between Alabama and LSU guarantees plenty of angry phone calls to radio shows across the SEC on Monday. For everyone else, it's put away Saturday, where teams in the top half of the league try to shut the door on their downtrodden compatriots.
This week's Power Rankings were composed from coded messages deciphered in dark rooms hidden well away from the light. In honor of Guy Fawkes Day, KidB plotted to hide a barrel of gunpowder in Nick Saban's stagecoach, but he called the plan off after a metaphorical explosion in Athens threatened to destroy Mark Richt's coaching staff.
Here's the link to Team Speed Kills, where the consensus rankings are available: SEC Power Rankings, Week 9.
SEC Power Rankings, Week 8: Games
- Leonard Fournette featuring the State University of Baton Rouge Players. KidB: If LF7 does go buckwild on Alabama, then he should just be handed the Heisman. Hunter: As in, the committee should be waiting on the sidelines with the trophy-- no ceremony, no New York, no runners-up. Chris: Let me help you predict the score this weekend: GIMME A 6!
- Alabama. Chris: GIMME A 9! Hunter: Roll FULMERIZED Toilet.
- Florida. KidB: I wanted badly to drop them this week, but I don't suppose they have given me any evidence upon which I can base such movement. FULMERIZED Mark Richt can't do anything right. Chris: Thanks for destroying any value in beating Georgia!
- Mississippi State. KidB: You probably forgot about CLANGA. I almost forgot about them as well-- but I didn't.
- Tennessee. KidB: This is arguably a homer pick, and certainly a violation of the head to head rules that I don't consider rules, but it is also consistent with the clear and obvious truth as handed down by Peyton Manning on stone tablets (and the computer rankings). To those asking yourselves how I have the audacity to put us so high, just know that I considered the #3 slot but showed tremendous restraint.
- Ole Miss. KidB: Did what they had to do against an Auburn team that is really not very good. All of America is bracing itself for the possibility that Hugh Freeze somehow wins the SEC and Memphis runs the table. One of those two things could happen. Both of them won't, and I suspect that most would agree about which one is more likely.
- Arkansas. Chris: The Razorbacks are living every day like it's casual Friday at the office. Man, BERT is gonna enjoy himself in South Carolina. KidB: I won't be at all surprised if BERT sneaks out a win this weekend against Ole Miss. This would be the perfect plot for his new TV show, Oh So BERT.
- Texas A&M. Hunter: The Aggies get no credit for beating a pitiful South Carolina team-- you have to show your work on this test. Chris: Texas A&M, stuck down here because y'all let BERT's new team hang around and that ain't how you want to do things. KidB: As noted in a text message with my colleagues, I am docking TAMU this week because they didn't pass the eyeball test against The Former Fighting Spurriers. Actually, I had them 8 last week as well. Oh well, I can't drop them behind anyone else on this list.
- Georgia. Chris: Because you can't win games with a soft drink taking snaps at QB. KidB: Please don't fahr Mark Richt. He's a good man, with a sweet Butt Cut.
- Auburn. KidB: The Deep South's Oldest Rivalry loses a bit of its luster this year. Hunter: The lesson here-- don't take a treasured family heirloom to be appraised on Antiques Roadshow-- and don't try to win your division with an untested backup or a guy who couldn't win the starting job at Virginia. Chris: At least they're checking the "entertaining" box in the tire fire sweepstakes.
- Kentucky. KidB: y'all have stopped reading this by now. I'm so very very very mad that they ever beat us. 31 years straight would be awesome.
- South Carolina. Chris: Don't look now, but this team has started to show signs of a pulse since the HBC stepped down. KidB: The best moral victory of the week. Hunter: Considering the head-coaching matchup featured an undistinguished interim head coach versus Future National Championship Winning Coach and Offensive Genius, South Carolina looked surprisingly frisky against A&M.
- Vanderbilt. Chris: Did the right and proper thing and got utterly waxed by Texas A&M's next head coach. Wait sorry forgot the spoiler tags. Hunter: Cheer up, Commodores-- Houston is actually good this year and is coached by OTHER HOT CANDIDATE TO BE YOUR NEXT HEAD COACH (NOT THE GUY WHO BEAT OLE MISS). Just beat Florida this weekend and you'll control your own destiny in the SEC East. Kid B: Blanked against Houston... I mean, Tennessee Tech put up 24 on Houston.
- Missouri. Chris: Pinkel out here hitting "SIM TO END" on the Atari 8400 that is their offense. Hunter: Maty Mauk's return and subsequent suspension was the shortest tenure in the SEC since Mike Price made a pitstop at a Florida stripclub. KidB: It was great to know you're still alive, Maty Mauk, but please get help.
SOMEONE'S TRAILER IS GONNA BE FULL OF SADNESS
THAT ONE TEAM AIN'T ANY GOOD THEY DONE LOST TO THAT OTHER TEAM
LET ME TELL Y'ALL BOUT EXCUSES THEY AIN'T HAD TO FACE THE NOLES
TALKIN' BOUT A TERRIBLE LOW DOWN DIRTY SHAME
Hunter: 1. Leonard and Friends, 2. America's Worst Fans, 3. Flori-duh, 4. CLANGA, 5. Vols, 6. Ole Drippy, 7. BERT, 8. TAMU, 9. Pearl-clutching Georgians, 10. Auburn, 11. Good at Basketball, 12. South Carolina, 13. Vanderbilt, 14. Mizzou
Chris Pendley: 1. Alabama, 2. LSU, 3. Florida, 4. CLANGA, 5. Tennessee, 6. Ole Miss, 7. Arkansas, 8. Texas A&M, 9. Auburn, 10. Georgia, 11. Kentucky, 12. South Carolina, 13. Vanderbilt. 14. Mizzou
Kid Bourbon: 1. Crimson Trappers, 2. Leonard Fournette, 3. Gator Chomps, 4. The University of Tennessee Volunteers, 5. CLANGA, 6. Ole Miss, 7. BERT, 8. TAMU, 9. UGA, 10. Auburn, 11. Kentucky, 12. Sakerlina, 14. Three Star Band, 14. Derek Mason Lifetime Contract.