Methodology note: My usual assistant Chris Pendley has been temporarily committed to a remote facility in the Rocky Mountains for his own protection this week. When he was discovered following the Florida game, he was madly diagramming plays and struggling with complicated math, whispering gibberish to himself, "Go for one up 12 in the fourth quarter... how does that make sense? ...must be a fault in my decision matrices... stretch play into the boundary... quarterback draw on third and long... the Templars must be involved..." However, I did receive a ballot marked in orange crayon and stained with bourbon with the return address "Kid Palace, 1 Bourbon Place" so at least I wasn't alone this week.
Safe for work notice: This week's titles come from seminal HBO drama The Wire, with attendant foul language. If you open the youtube links below, make sure you do so in a place where the FULMERIZER won't disapprove.
SEC Power Rankings, Week 3
- Ole Miss. Wore down a feisty Vanderbilt defense, and by that I mean Chad Kelly managed to get in the pants of a smoking hot psych major he met at the Tin Roof.
- LSU. Fournette took the time to tweet about former Syracuse greats Ernie Davis, Jim Brown, and Floyd Little before his almost record-breaking day against the Orange, but I'd have been way more impressed if he'd managed to pull the phone out of his sock and complete the tweet during his 62-yard run.
LSU ran the dang ball with Fournette pic.twitter.com/EZlUKCueTz— cuppycup (@cuppycup) September 26, 2015
- Alabama. Alabama pummeled a defenseless opponent this weekend, and by that I mean salacious rumors about Lane Kiffin's personal life put his already dodgy character under a microscope.
- Georgia. The matchup with Alabama this week gives Mark Richt possibly his best opportunity to beat Nick Saban, but even with all of his baggage, don't you have to like Kiffin over Brian Schottenheimer as a quarterback whisperer?
- CLANGA. Mississippi State is better than we thought. Full stop.
TAMU. Make your own joke using the following: Kevin Sumlin schadenfreude Big 12 refs penalties Charlie Strong Texas.
- Tennessee. The early line is Tennessee minus six at home against Arkansas, which is a pretty good guess for what the score will be entering the fourth quarter. I'm looking forward to the inevitable 67-65 five overtime game as BERT and Butch put on an exhibition of poor clock management and conservative playcalling.
Kentucky. Kentucky has two SEC wins before the start of October. BREAK UP THE CATS.
Florida. As noted by Football Concepts, Will Grier throws the vast majority of his passes to the boundary side of the field. It's likely that a competent defensive coordinator will manage not to forget this tendency in the fourth quarter. In any case, Grier should buy Nkemdiche some breath mints before the game starts, because they're going to be spending some quality time face-to-face.
- Mizzou. When the normally level-headed Bill Connelly is calling for a true freshman quarterback to start, you know things are bad.
South Carolina. He's still the best coach in Gamecock history, and Justin Fuente is no sure bet. Call for his head at your own peril, Garnet and Black Attack.
Arkansas. Despite starting 1-3 and 2-2, the Razorbacks and the Vols are currently ranked 27th and 23rd in S&P+, so pitting the two increasingly desperate teams against each other in Week 5 is just the sort of cruel joke that Aeschylus or Euripides would appreciate. Greek tragedy, y'all.
Auburn. New starting quarterback Sean White won MVP awards at The Opening and Elite 11 recruiting events, so now Verne Lundquist and I know two irrelevant things about him. Unless he plays defense, pretty sure he's not going to resurrect Auburn.
- Vanderbilt. Derek Mason's team might lose to Middle Tennessee this week, but the 'Dores look vastly improved from last year's total disaster. For example, Vanderbilt scored against Ole Miss last week, and not in garbage time.
The King stay the King1
Game's the same, just got more fierce.2
I ain’t all that humble.3
Thin line between heaven and here.4
A life... you know what that is? It's the [FULMERIZED] that happens while you're waiting for moments that never come.5
Hunter: 1.Ole Miss, 2. LSU, 2. Bama, 2. Georgia, 5. CLANGA, 5. TAMU, 7. Tennessee, 7. Kentucky, 7. Florida, 10. Mizzou, 11. South Carolina, 12. Arkansas, 13. Auburn, 14.Vandy
Kid Bourbon: 1. Ole Miss, 2. Alabama, 3. LSU, 4. Georgia, 5. TAMU, 6. CLANGA, 7. Tennessee, 8. Arkansas, 9. Auburn, 10. Florida, 11. Kentucky, 12. Missouri, 13. South Carolina, 14. Vandy
Kid Bourbon's ballot is listed here for discussion purposes, but it didn't make it into the actual vote before the polling closed. Not through any fault of his own.